Things people say

October 2, 2007
1:33 AM

and in this case a little person....Whenever Cara Beth sees me, she points to my locket and says, "I wanna see Knox." I open my locket and show her; she smiles and then closes it. We go through this several times before she moves on to something else.

Someone's always missing

September 30, 2007
11:28 PM

That feeling doesn't go away. There is always one of us missing. I always feel one short. It is hard to shake that feeling that I have left someone behind--forgot one. The feeling is actually worse if I only have some of the kids as it adds to that feeling. I know I am short someone else and it never feels right. I have to remind myself where they are and what they are doing; Knox is always missed. It is hard to imagine that ever going away as long as the kids are home; I have to wonder if it will fade when we are empty nesters only to come back when we are all gathered together again. It is a sad feeling, but yet, I wouldn't want it any other way. As long as he is missed, he seems to still be with us.

A providential Read

September 30, 2007
11:15 PM

Currently Reading
The Home Has a Heart
By Thyra Ferre Bjorn

I have been reading the book above which is endearing stories of the author's life intertwined with recipes and household hints. I have loved this book and so enjoyed reading it and being taught life lessons(as well as in which month I should wash my curtains...heehee). Here are some quotes from the book:

" The home holds many different moods within its heart, and sorrow and joy interchange. One day death will knock at the door and demand that loved one who has been an essential part of our lives. Then we must not fear or tremble, but reach up and find a hand reaching down to give us strength and comfort."

"...the parting is not easy; tears will flow. But there must be no bitterness in our hearts because we sorrow not as those who have no hope. We shall meet again in a perfect world where we will never part.

But when the black angel takes our young and middle-aged at an untimely hour, how often we rebel and storm at God and demand 'Why ' We forget that God's way is not our way and His thoughts are not our thought. And who are we to ligt our voices toward the Almighty, demanding an explanation? How easily we forget that our minds are finite and that we can't understand fully the majesty and mystery of our Creator. We must learn to accept both life and death even as out hearts cry out in pain. "

Thanks Peggy for the loan!

Good things are worth repeating

September 30, 2007
10:43 PM

We sang this in church today for the first time since Knox's funeral.  Nothing like a whole row of blubbering people.  Thank goodness littly Bryn had a packet of tissues in her purse!  We wouldn't want to stop singing such a beautiful and powerful hymn just because it turns us into blubbering lumps!  I tried to find a link to maybe hear the version we sing sung but was not successful.  Here are the lyrics once again because good things are worth repeating.
  1. Jesus, lover of my soul,
    Let me to Thy bosom fly,
    While the nearer waters roll,
    While the tempest still is high.
    Hide me, O my Savior, hide,
    Till the storm of life is past;
    Safe into the haven guide;
    Oh, receive my soul at last.
  2. Other refuge have I none,
    Hangs my helpless soul on Thee;
    Leave, ah! leave me not alone,
    Still support and comfort me.
    All my trust on Thee is stayed,
    All my help from Thee I bring;
    Cover my defenseless head
    With the shadow of Thy wing.
  3. Wilt Thou not regard my call?
    Wilt Thou not accept my prayer?
    Lo! I sink, I faint, I fall—
    Lo! on Thee I cast my care.
    Reach me out Thy gracious hand!
    While I of Thy strength receive,
    Hoping against hope I stand,
    Dying, and behold, I live.
  4. Thou, O Christ, art all I want,
    More than all in Thee I find;
    Raise the fallen, cheer the faint,
    Heal the sick, and lead the blind.
    Just and holy is Thy Name,
    Source of all true righteousness;
    Thou art evermore the same,
    Thou art full of truth and grace.
  5. Plenteous grace with Thee is found,
    Grace to cover all my sin;
    Let the healing streams abound;
    Make and keep me pure within.
    Thou of life the fountain art,
    Freely let me take of Thee;
    Spring Thou up within my heart;
    Rise to all eternity.

Back on line

September 30, 2007
10:07 PM

and hopefully posting later tonight. I got lots to say!!!!....if I can remember all the things I wanted to post.... ;)

Moving Sabbatical

September 27, 2007
6:22 PM

We are currently homeless as we moved out Tues and don't move into tomorrow. So I'll be back when we get internet access again.

A Debtor to Mercy Alone

September 24, 2007
9:04 AM

I was going to put this song on my blog yesterday as we sang it in church and I like to post songs that are meaningful to me from worship, but I forgot my worship folder and have a terrible memory as to words and lines, but this morning I woke up singing it in my head, but just the one line "His promise is yea and amen" but couldn't remember the rest so I whistled it for Jon ( I tried to hum it but that didnt work--heehee) so he could tell me the name and I could look it up.

A Debtor to Mercy Alone

1. A debtor to mercy alone,
Of covenant mercy I sing;
Nor fear, with Thy righteousness on,
My person and offering to bring.
The terrors of law and of God
With me can have nothing to do;
My Savior's obedience and blood
Hide all my transgressions from view 

2. The work which His goodness began,
The arm of His strength will complete;
His promise is yea and amen,
And never was forfeited yet.
Things future, nor things that are now,
Not all things below nor above
Can make Him His purpose forego,
Or sever my soul from His love. 

3. My name from the palms of His hands
Eternity will not erase;
Impressed on His heart it remains
In marks of indelible grace.
Yes, I to the end shall endure,
As sure as the earnest is given
More happy, but not more secure,
The glorified spirits in heaven. 

©1998, Kevin Twit Music.

Things people say

September 23, 2007
6:34 PM

A response to something I said by a dear friend:

"That child is going to bless you the rest of your lives!"

and she is right; not in the manner I thought he would but he is.

A very sweet read

September 22, 2007
8:40 PM

Currently Reading
A Gathering of Days: A New England Girl's Journal, 1830-1832
By Joan W. Blos

The other night when I couldn't sleep, I picked up one of Anne Michal's library books...A Gathering of Days...A New England Journal 1830-32 by Joan W. Blos. The journal was started by a young girl when she was 13. Reading it I felt like I was being comforted by this young girl and learning along with her. She had lost her mother and little brother shortly after he was born. Then later she lost her best friend. There was a time when grief like ours would not be unusual. Most family had losses of young children and many children lost their parents when they were young. It helps to know that we are not the only ones called to do this...anyway here are some lines from the book.

"But spring, I think, suffices; and Spring comes to us all."

"Joy and sorrow, says our father, each makes its own season."

"Mamman says that joyful times should as turly confirm our faith as times of sorrow test it. For good times and ill each have their place; and he who doubts or questions either will only reveal how poor is his trust, how flawed his obedience."

" 'and now she's so very--so gone from us all?

'No!' I protested. 'More with us than ever, for she lives in our thoughts and love. ' But that was only something to say. My

heart knew that Sophy was right."

"Mamman says we mourn all deaths with each particular grief. Are we then with those strangers joined whose lives, names, faces are veiled from us yet whose griefs we share?"

"This year, more than others, has been a lengthy gathering of days wherein we lived, we loved, were moved; learned how to accept."

"For tho' the wind is bitter outside, for Cassie it is Spring for ever, nor shall she leave that season."

"Now let ev'ry occasion fill

command they heart to joy."

"Glad although not unafraid, I am determined to obey, believing that only the form of instruction is mysterious."

"And that is what life's all about--changes going on every minute, and you never know when something begins where it is going to take you.

So one thing I want to say about life is don't be scared and don't hang back, and most of all, dont' waste it."

Missed Firsts

September 21, 2007
2:39 AM

Funny the things I think of as my mind wanders especially when I can't sleep. When the body is still and the mind inactive, that is when all the thoughts and anxieties come. I was coughing tonight and my throat was irritated, and I was thinking that a dum dum sucker might be good...nevermind that is was like 12:30. Anyway, (this is going somewhere) I was thinking how Knox never had a sucker or a popsicle. I didn't get to see him enjoy those; I am sure he would have. While I know he is feasting, I mourn that we have to miss so many firsts with him. And while there are lots bigger firsts than a sucker, sometimes it is the little things that I miss the most.

...I think one reason I was thinking about this besides my coughing fit is that I saw this picture this morning while retrieving the one below. The big kids are all picking something out of the candy bowl while Knox is watching them trying to figure out what is so great and why he has to miss out. As usual, he was in on the action as much as possible.

And I should probably thank Pat for giving him a brownie.  ;)

A Favorite Thing

September 14, 2007
10:45 PM

CHEERIOS!!!! Appetizer... snack... main meal...filler... wasn't picky. He loved his cheerios. I have to say though that I think I swept up almost as many as he ate. The older kids loved giving him cheerios to eat and there are a few times that Emma and Jack put a veritable mountain on his tray. I know you can't normally move mountains, but when they are made of cheerios it is pretty easy to move them to the floor!!!

Sitting on Lizzy's lap eating cheerios.

Sharing with his brother Jack!

Just Because

September 13, 2007
11:18 PM

A conversation with Jack

September 12, 2007
10:39 PM

Jack and I were talking today before he took his nap.  He was telling me how Knox always put his(Jack's)  cars in his mouth and why did he do that?  Then he told me how he always let Knox play with his cars(it is hard not to share when you have a bazillion  ;)  ) and how they always played cars together.  That Knox would drive them around and put them in his mouth.
He loved playing cars with Knox and Knox loved playing cars with him.  Jack also told me the other day, "I did everything with Knoxie." 

These aren't the greatest pictures but I wasn't the most consistent picture taker and I am trying to get in some variety.  ;)  They are kind of grainy and well just not that great but the two of them are driving their cars on top of a diaper box.  Knox was about 8 months old.

An Anne Michal memory

September 8, 2007
10:15 PM

This isn't really a memory specific to Knox, but Anne Michal aked me to post it; it is a memory of the 5 of them together. I had taken them to the Christmas parade. I can't remember where Jon was...anyway we were pretty much sitting by ourselves so it was clear that we were all together. In fact, it was freezing or at least we had underestimated the temperature so none of us were really dressed warm enough except maybe Knox who had a blanket to wrap around him as well as his jacket. At some point in the parade, there was a clown driving around in a mini car. He kept circling around close to use and he pointed at me and then held up his fingers one by one like he was counting until he got to 5. Then he pointed at me again kind of questionally... I guess he was asking me in clown language the same question I got all the time which is "Are all 5 of these yours?" I nodded and he smiled and off he rode. It think Anne Michal wanted me to post that because they always got a kick out of the comments people would make about our family when we were all out together. I didn't have my camera with me(for shame) so no pictures this time.

Just Because

September 6, 2007
12:50 AM

The tenses of grief

September 3, 2007
12:18 AM


mourning what look at pictures...the cute grin...the clear blue eyes..remembering how things were when he was here. The laughs...the screeches...the hugs...the kisses. The games you played....the books you read...the food he ate. The diaper changes...the runny noses...the toys strewn all over the floor.


mourning how things should be now if he were here...5 kids to get ready for church....5 kids playing together...saying come on boys....having a boys' room and a girls' room...where we would be going...what we would be doing...what he would be saying....what he would be wearing...what he would be many bananas I SHOULD be buying not the ones I am throwing away...would he be feeding himself..could he walk down the stairs yet...


How would he grow up...what would he have been like...who would he many kids...what would his profession be...I used to imagine what it would be like when my kids would be grown. Our prayers and hopes have always been that they would their love for Christ and obedience to Him would greatly excede our own. We trust God in his faithfulness to us. So I would see families in church with their grown or almost grown children and wonder what it would be like to have our sons standing tall and strong beside me and their dad worshipping with us and their sister...raising their own families to love the their children far better than we are training ours...sharing their lives together with us and one we mourn...we mourn that Knox will not be a part of difficult and heartbreaking as this is over and over again..our FUTURE tense again has HOPE. That he is in all of our futures when we will all worship together again.

Austin's memories

September 1, 2007
7:58 PM

as sent to me by his mom:

Austin and I were looking at the pictures of Knox and we came across the one of Lizzy holding him under the arms and him "walking". Austin said that was one way he remembered him, because once Lizzy was holding him under the arms like that and then swinging him towards Austin saying, "Kick Austin! Kick Austin!" Knox wasn't even paying attention as he was looking in the other direction, but Austin and Lizzy were having fun together at Knox's expense.

He has another memory of Knox playing with a yellow wiffle ball. Austin said they were all playing wiffle ball in the cul-de-sac and Knox had his own wiffle ball. He would throw it down and then pick it up, throw it again and then pick it up, over and over. One time it was rolling down the street and he kept trying to pick it up but it just kept rolling. Finally, Anne Michal came to his rescue and picked it up for him and gave it to him. All the while Austin is telling me these things with a wide grin and giggles. He has sweet memories of Knox.

Reading Heaven for Kids

August 1, 2007
12:41 AM

Currently Reading
Heaven for Kids
By Randy C. Alcorn, Linda Washington

Thought it was interesting that the front cover was a boy on a tire swing since one of the kids I think Jack wanted to know if he could swing himself in heaven. Anne Michal is copying down all the Bible verses in the book about Heaven to study...her idea. We always do a verse at night before bed and these are the ones that she wanted to do at night for a while. Tonight they learned... We are citizens of heaven , where the Lord Jesus Christ Lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Saviour. Phillipians 3:20.

Peggy's Memory--baptism

August 29, 2007
12:24 AM

Here is Peggy's memory pretty much as she emailed it to me:

Dear Rachel, this is my favorite Knox memory and how i'll always remember him. There are many others, like getting to watch him when Jack got his stitches, his funny personality, his energy that rivaled Jack's, etc.
Jon on his blog had asked for a definition of joy.
C.S. Lewis said, " In a sense , the central story of my life is about nothing is that unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. I call it Joy, which is here a technical term and must be sharply distinguished both from Happiness and from Pleasure. Joy (in my sense) has indeed one characteristic, and one only, in common with them: the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. Apart from that and considered only in its quality, it might almost equally be called unhappiness or grief. But then it is a kind we want. I doubt whether anyone who has tasted it would ever, if both were in his power, exchange it for all the pleasures in the world. But then, joy is never in our power and pleasure often is. "(Surprised by Joy).
And this is why I've had so much trouble trying to send this to you; because i can't convey what i want to say. How Knox's baptism and his young death with all the sorrow portrayed Christ's joy. Yhe contradiction is too much for me and i hope it doesn't cause you any more hurt, but i told you i would and here it is.

The most beautiful memory I have of Knox was at his baptism. The whole family was in the front of the church and Knox was in the long white gown that I believe was used for all the kids. Jon was holding Knox and talking about what baptism means and then he prayed for him. The whole time tears were streaming down his face. The picture was such a reflection of the beauty of the cross, how much a father loves his son, and the glory that is to be ours.
At the time , i considered it the most poignant baptism i had experienced, not knowing what the future would hold. It has been the one i think about in every baptism that i have been to since.

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
And make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Matthew Knox Anderson was baptized on April 9th, 2006. I can't express the joy we have felt at the baptism of each of our children and the specialness of having their daddy baptize them...(Emma, Jack, and Knox). Here are some pictures from that day.

LuAnn's Memory

August 27, 2007
10:27 PM

Here is a memory sent to me by LuAnn:

My fondest Knox memory is 2 or 3 times I remember standing with you either in the foyer or the kitchen visiting and watching Knox toddle around. I remember him wandering a few feet away and then looking back with that sweet little grin, then turning and dashing off. I remember your smile of delight. That's what I remember most! And that smile was what I thought of most in those first week after Knox's death. I've waited to tell you but I want you to know I will never forget those moments I spent with you and Knox-brief moments of sharing your delight in your little boy.

I see him doing that same turn and smile thing in my mind all the time. He was always doing that. Going a bit away and then turning and flashing me a grin adn then many times taking off so I would chase him. I have already posted this picture but this is a picture of him "doing his thing." Thanks Luann.

Now THAT'S Knox!!!!

August 25, 2007
10:15 PM

Remember this picture?

Elizabeth hadn't been on the blog for a few days and was going through it reading and when she came to this pictures she said, "Now THAT'S Knox....tongue hanging out, snotty nose, slobber all of his shirt...then she smiled and his overalls."

I think the boy had a perpetual runny nose and slobbery mouth from birth!!!

My neighbor's memory

August 25, 2007
2:18 PM

I was talking to my sweet neighbor this morning who was telling me how she was going to miss seeing the kids running around the yard and playing. She said she wanted to tell me about an incident that she remembered with Knox. So I am going to try to relate it as she told it to me...I came in and wrote it down before I could forget since I don't remember this myself. :)

Jack had been riding his three wheeler and turned it over(and I guess he was crying). Knox went toddling down the hill to him and patted him on the back. Then he tried to set the bike back up right but of course he couldn't because he was too little. He was the sweetest thing and we are always going to remember him that way.

saying goodbye to friends part II

August 24, 2007
2:54 AM

On my other blog I mention that our friends are moving and I posted pictures of their older girls with my older girls. Here is another picture. Their Renee is holding their Emma and My Elizabeth is holding our Knox. Renee and Elizabeth love to mother the little ones and they enjoyed carrying Emma and Knox around while their sisters were playing soccer.


August 23, 2007
11:35 PM

Today has been an emotional day for Anne Michal(as the rest of us that keep up with anniversaries) and we were on the way home tonight and we were talking about making blankets for the PICU at Scott and White for them to give to their patients. Elizabeth wanted to know why we were going to do that and reminded her that Knox had been given a blanket and told her that it is important to the parents to know that their child is being loved and cared for. So Anne Michal starts in with some big sister talk....

Elizabeth, I have been to Knox's grave, and he is with all the other babies that died. They have markers on them that tell how old they were. We should be thankful that we had Knox as long as we did. There are a lot of people that only got their babies for two days. We got him for a year and a half. (Then she reverts back to the blankets) I want to show the parents at Scott and White that somone cares for their child and that Jesus loves them and he does hear their prayers.

I am not sure how I could see to drive but we made it home.

Another Matt Memory

August 23, 2007
12:06 AM

After posting a Knox Memory on Hannah's blog the other day, it got me to thinking and I remembered another funny incident featuring the youngest of the Anderson clan.
Gracie Mae was only a few months old when we were invited over to Rancho del Anderson for supper. We were all in our places: Rachel and Jon were at either end of the table (to keep order, I am sure), while Ashlee and I faced across from The Girls who sat, pretty as a picture, in order by age (and heighth, as it were). Happy Jack was only speaking a few words at the time; he sat next to me. I wasn't sure how that was going to work out because, as we know, Happy Jack is as unpredictable as he is cute. (I have no HJ incidents to report.)
Knox sat in his highchair in an unassuming corner of the dining room--and he didn't really seem to mind. He remained largely silent, content to observe and listen to us, piping up only when running short of food. (Notice I wrote running 'short' of food, not running 'out' of food.)
As you can imagine, we were having a grand time filled with laughter and sharp conversation. Jon and I were discussing one of the historically great soteriological disputes of the Church--or maybe were talking about 'Smokey and the Bandit' (I can't remember)--when the low hum of the meal was shattered by an outburst of surprise, peppered by consternation, from Rachel: 'OH STINK!'
Judging by the way she bolted from her chair in his direction, it didn't take me long to deduce that she was reacting to Knox--who had quietly, unnoticed by all but his mama, thrown up all over himself. In fact, he was still fast at it when I looked over at him. (I was still a new parent and had not built up my baby puke immunity yet, so I had a tough time with it.)
I'm not sure whether it was Rachel's consternation with herself for having fed Knox something that she said she knew better than to give him or Knox's 'What's the Big Deal?' look of incredulity on his face as she wiped him up, but the rest of us got a pretty good chuckle out of the entire episode. The clincher was when Anne Michal gave her 'look'--you know the one where she raises her eyebrows, gives a wry smile, and glances over at you as if to say, 'Hey, what can you do?!'

My one disclaimer would be that I think Matt has a bit o' trouble distinguishing between spit up and throw up.  ;)

Things you should know in response to comments people have made

August 20, 2007
12:39 AM

There is nothing amazing or great about me. I write the things on here that I find comforting because I think it might be comforting for others and when things are dark which is often it is good to be able to remind myself the truths and the good graces of God. Those dark times are frequent and often heavy; don't think they aren't. There are days my body feels like jello and all I want to do is cry. Days I can't think straight and nothing I do works out right because my brain isn't working right. There are days that I am just sad, sad, sad. The truth is that I am an ordinary person that had a terrible thing happen to a wonderful child that is a part of a wonderful family. I tend to write mostly of the positive things because nobody wants to be dragged down, and they help to keep me out of the pit of darkness as reminders of the hope that we have. I just thought you should know.


August 19, 2007
2:02 AM

As you can imagine, Heaven is a big topic of conversation at our house. I have been getting asked lots of questions:

Can Knox run in heaven?

Can he swing himself in heaven?(I guess that is one of the things you can do in a perfect world?)

Does he miss us?

Can he see us?

Who drives him around? (It is ok to be tickled...I was)

Who feeds him when he is hungry?

Where does he sleep?

Does he have toys to play with?

Can he die in heaven?

Can he get sick again?

and on and on...

Some of their questions I can answer. Some I can give a good guess. Some I have no clue. People like to send me stuff to read and I like to read stuff people send me(a good combination heh?) so John put this (scroll down until you hit Joy's Eternal Increase) on his blog for me to listen to...

I listened to it tonight and there was a lot of good stuff on there. Not really very many answers to my kids questions per se but what they really want is more of an understanding of what heaven is like. They know God is there. They know they will see Jesus. They know there is no sadness or sickness. They know death is no more. So anyway, this sermon talks about how when we are in heaven joy will continue to increase, holiness will increase, knowledge will increase... you start thinking about how do we live here on Earth in light of what our life in heaven will be like..our true home. Here is something that struck a chord with me that I am going to ponder...

(this is almost a quote but not really a is that for a plagarism warning...  ;)

In heaven....we will never live in fear that any heavenly joy will end. We struggle to enjoy like now for fear that it will end. The other shoe may drop, someone will pull the rug out from under us, disaster will strike...we hold back..we restrain our souls because economic disaster will start, our health may fail, someone near and dear may die, something unforseen may surprise us and take it all away but not in heaven..never...the beauty and joy and glory and delight and satisfaction and purity will never ever end but increase and grow and expand and multiply.

hmmmm....again how should we live our thing I have thought a lot about is my other children's lives. They live in the first description in the world where fear and uncertainty reign. A couple of people who have lost children have said that their older children would probably say that their childhood was not happy and that they are trying to change that for them. We are going to be forever marked by Knox's death; that is a certainty, but I don't want their grief or mine or Jon's to rob them of the ability to experience joy. One of the things that I have been praying for them with them is that God would show them some of the joy that Knox is experiencing so that they can know he is OK...more than OK...and to ease their pain and sadness.

Just Because

August 18, 2007
12:39 PM

Upside Down

August 15, 2007
10:17 AM

Currently Reading
Roses in December: Comfort for the Grieving Heart
By Marilyn Willett Heavilin

Hannah suggested we post upside down pictures on our blogs so here is the closest I could find for Knox. He is with Mr. Dan.

I am surprised I don't have more as he went through a phase where he got into somersault postion all the time. For some reason he thought it was funny.

A Bolline memory

August 13, 2007
8:27 PM

Here is a memory from Kenny and Lindsey Bolline.

Unfortunately I didn’t get the opportunity to know Knox except from afar so to speak. But one Sunday when he was just a little guy we randomly ended up behind you guys at church. This was back when we were hoping to start our own family. Well Knox was looking over your shoulder and being very adorable and I noticed Kenny smiling at him real big. Kenny doesn’t normally pay any attention to babies. He’s quite oblivious actually in that regard but he was really taken with Knox and he commented that he was “one cool baby”. I’m not exactly sure what makes a baby “cool” ;) but apparently Knox had it. Anyway Kenny also said that he too wanted a son very much and hoped his son would also be “cool”. It wasn’t too long after that when we found out that we were expecting. I’m not sure yet if our sons are “cool” but I think Kenny is quite pleased with them either way =-).

Thanks for sharing the fun memory!

Jack and Knox

August 12, 2007
6:18 PM

Hanging out on the couch together


August 11, 2007
9:44 AM

Knox made all our lives better, happier, more joyful. He really did. No one could be sad or upset for long with Knox around. He was quick to bring a laugh or give a hug. The kids all loved having him around and loved helping with him. Sometime they helped too much like dumping half a box of cheerios on his tray, but that is another post. I can't tell you how many times I hugged him and told him how glad we were God gave him to us, that he was so loved by us, and even that he made our life better. I thanked God repeatedly for giving him to us and for knowing that we NEEDED him. That is how I felt that God knew we needed him and gave him to us. He will always be missed.

From Kierstyn K.

August 8, 2007
11:33 PM

Not only did she send me a memory or two but pictures as well. Not only did she send me pictures but I actually managed to save them and upload them into my xanga to share!!

The memory:

One Sunday, while we were hosting college lunches, you and I were fixing the kids lunches. The menu for this particular Sunday was hot dogs and hamburgers. I fixed Micah and Knox's plate, while you took care of the older kiddos. Before I could blink, Knox had finished his hot dog, as had Micah, and they were both ready for another. Micah likes hot dogs, but not as much as Knox did! I thought of Knox this past Saturday when we had hotdogs. Micah had three. I can only imagine how many Knox would have had! The first picture is a great illustration of Knox's love for the hot dog!
The second is how I remember Knox, in your arms.

Hiking with PopPop

August 7, 2007
11:33 PM

My parents came to visit in March and one of the things we did was to go hiking at Lake Somerville. I think it was really supposed to be a short hike, but my dad isn't really one to always find out directions and such but would rather just explore so what might have been a short hike turned out to be a 3 hour hike. Dad and I took turns carrying Knox on our backs in the carrier. He really wasn't that hip on it but was a very good sport about it. You can kind of tell in the picture that he was trying to climb out. He did a lot of trying to climb up our backs. He was pretty happy when he could get down and run around!


August 6, 2007
11:56 PM

That is how so many of Knox's pictures look to me. Like I could reach out and give him a squeeze, brush back his hair, tickle him...


August 6, 2007
11:12 PM

If you have a memory of Knox that you would like to share on my blog, email it to me and I'll post it. If I get several at once, I'll space them out or post them as they coincide with that time....

How long wilt thou forget me

August 5, 2007
9:44 PM

Original Trinity Hymnal, #541
From Psalm 13

How long wilt thou forget me,
O Lord, thou God of grace?
How long shall fears beset me,
While darkness hides thy face?
How long shall griefs distress me
And turn my day to night?
How long shall foes oppress me
And triumph in their might?

O Lord my God, behold me,
And hear my earnest cries;
Lest sleep of death enfold me,
Enlighten thou mine eyes;
Lest now my foe insulting
Should boast of his success,
And enemies exulting
Rejoice in my distress.

But I with expectation
Have on thy grace relied;
My heart in thy salvation
Shall still with joy confide;
And I with voice of singing
Will praise the Lord above,
Who, richest bounties bringing,
Hast dealt with me in love.

Psalm 13
For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Things people say

August 5, 2007
1:25 AM

I was thinking about someone I knew a long time ago. She didn't want to have any children. Her reason...there was too much pain and suffering the world. She didn't want to expose them to that. She thought it was cruel to bring a child into this world. At the time, I was young and understood the sentiment and I guess I still understand where she was coming from. . But later, I came to understand that line of thinking is wrong. For one thing biblically we are commanded to have children. Second, we have hope. I think she was forgetting that. God hasn't forgotten this is a fallen world. It isn't the Garden of Eden, but we are promised a better place. I understand better than ever that we live in a fallen world; I understand better than ever what suffering really is; I understand better than ever what real pain is. However, I still don't agree with what she said. Even though many are suffering over the death of Knox, those that really knew him are better having loved and lost him than not having had him at all. I have to believe that as painful as this is for his brother and sisters, that they are better off having had him for a brother and that going through this difficult time is going to strengthen them. And guess what...Knox isn't going to know any more suffering, but if we hadn't ever been blessed with him in the first place, eternity wouldn't exist for him!

A Matt Memory

August 5, 2007
1:12 AM

I lifted this off the comments of Hannah's blog, because it made me smile so I thought it might make others smile too.

The crocbow reminds me of my favourite K-nox (I liked to pronounce a hard 'K' in his name) story--which happened to occur the last time I ever saw him on Easter Sunday.
While we were at the Dunlap's ranch, just after the egg hunt, I was making my way back up the front steps when...BAM! I didn't see the little bugger and knocked him down the steps!
It didn't hurt him--but it sure was funny watching him 'do the windmill' down the steps which sent his tiny blue crocs sailing in different directions.
As I recall, he didn't even cry; I'm pretty sure of that because, if he had, I think the Hammer of Rachel would have been forthcoming on my noggin.

Here is one of many pictures I have of him that day.


August 5, 2007
1:01 AM

Jack and Knox. Brothers. They were getting to be such buddies. We(the girls, Jon and I) often would call both Jack and Knox, Buddy as a nickname. Jack had taken to calling Knox that some. "Hey Buddy!", he would say. They played together. They fussed some, but they had such fun together. Jack was a good big brother. He knew to share with Knox and to let him do things his way at least part of the time. In the picture above, he was chasing Knox and you can tell that he was letting Knox stay just ahead of him...letting him "win." I can just hear him telling Knox, "I am going to get you, Buddy." My heart aches that Jack doesn't get to grow up with his "buddy." I pray that he really and truly remembers the fun they had together!

Just Because

August 2, 2007
10:22 PM

Currently Reading
At the Back of the North Wind
By George MacDonald

Hot chocolate

August 2, 2007
12:33 AM

Here is a picture of my favortie mug given to me by a member of our church and part of a basket of goodies some "growing-up" friends sent me. The friends that sent me the Hot chocolate said to crank up the AC and prentend it was cold and enjoy it. What they don't know is I am a hot chocolate addict and drink it regularly regardless of temperature!!! Thanks y'all!

C.S. Lewis

July 31, 2007
10:14 PM

" I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that had become habitual. Thought after thought, feeling after feeling, action after action, had [Knox] for their object. Now their target is gone. I keep on through the habit fitting an aroow to the srting, then I remember and have to lay the bow down. So many roads lead thought to [Knox]. I set out on one of them. But now there's an impassable frontierpost across it. So many roads once; now so many cul-de-sacs. "

Playing in the window

July 30, 2007
10:43 AM

One of Knox's favorite things to do was to play trains in the windowsill of the breakfast room or cars on the windowsill in the den. The breakfast room had really become more of the train room and Jack and Knox would set up the tracks on the windowsill and drive and drive and drive. Someone gave us a traintable that we put in there but Knox still preferred the window. When he wasn't playing trains in the breakfast room he was in the den driving one of their 50 million cars up and down the window sill in the den. Here are some pictures courtesy his Aunt Shannon.

(ignore the dirty window...obviously a bird had been watching him!)


July 29, 2007
11:34 AM

On Sundays I always had some extra time with Knox. During the school year Jon goes to church around 7AM to get ready for the 8AM service, so I would get everyone up and ready for church. Then I would take the 4 older kids to Sunday School and bring Knox back home for a short nap before church. He didn't nap well at church so he would be really cranky by the time church was over if he didnt' nap first; I liked having him with me anyway. Then we would drive to church and I would talk to him and play with his feet on the way there. After church the kids would play outside in the courtyard for a while before going home. Everyone naps on Sunday afternoons or at least has some quiet time. Jon usually has meeting later in the afternoon and then led Sr high youth on Sunday night. THe big kids all had Covenant kids and Knox and I hung out together. Sometimes we stayed at church visiting and then playing with the other kids afterwards and sometimes we hung out together at home. I always enjoyed spending that extra time with him. He always made me smile!

Here is a Sunday picture.

Just Because

July 26, 2007
11:41 PM

An Elizabeth memory

July 25, 2007
9:01 PM

Elizabeth, Emma, and I went to Joann's today and then we were going to go to HEB(a grocery store for you nontexans). SHe says...remember that time we walked from Joann's to HEB and Knox kept trying to get off the sidewalk and you carried him, but he kept wanting you to put him down so he could walk and so you put him up on your shoulders and carried him like that. When you were carrying him he kept wanting down but on your shoulders way up high he was happy.

Yes that is how she told one breath I think. I do vaguely remember that trip. I remember thinking that it was going to take 3 times as long to walk down there and back but having one of those stop and smell the roses and take things the slow way for a change moments. Then having to walk back to Joanns and the van with groceries and all the kids and thinking that it wasn't one of the smartest things I have ever done!!

teeth grinding

July 23, 2007
11:26 PM

Looking at that top picture of Knox learning to crawl reminded me how he was sooooo bad about grinding his teeth when he was teething.

Just Because

July 23, 2007
1:32 PM

Learning to crawl

July 21, 2007
10:11 AM

These go with the picture from the last post when Knox was learning to crawl. Our kids tend to not do things early; two didn't even roll over until 9 months. We knew they could; they just didn't. So Knox was about 9 months when he learned to crawl and that would be on the early side for us!! BTW, the purple thing is an exercise mat not an ugly rug!! ;)

Just Because

July 19, 2007
8:49 PM

From about this time last year...

Melissa and Knox

July 18, 2007
12:05 AM

My sister Melissa is here visiting so I thought I would post a picture of the two of them together from last Jan. I promise he really did like her. ;)

Worship II

July 16, 2007
1:44 AM

Now when we take communion at church, I think of Knox feasting at the King's table. Funny, how we all like to think we know more than our children, but oh the things that Knox knows that we don't!


July 16, 2007
12:26 AM

Currently Reading
Treasures In Darkness: A Grieving Mother Shares Her Heart
By Sharon W. Betters

One of the things that I mourn is that we really didnt' get to worship with Knox in church with our family. We usually keep our kids in the nursery until they turn 2 and then bring them into church with us. OK actually not true. He went to worship with us until he became a chronic and loud babbler. Knox did go with us a couple of times when he seemed to sick for the nursery but not sick enough to stay home. I remember one time having him at a special service and he kept trying to make a break for it and run up to the front to daddy. He would ease his way slyly (or so he thought) to the edge of the aisle and then try to make a break for it only to be grabbed by me. I finally had to take him to the back of the church and same thing. He would kind of walk around and play with a plant that was there and then try to head for the front. So cute!

I'll Lend You a Child

July 15, 2007
3:09 PM

I'll Lend You A Child
by Edgar Guest

"I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine," He said.
For you to love - while he lives
And mourn for when he's dead.

It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back,
Take care or him for Me?

He'll bring his smiles to gladden you,
And should this stay be brief
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.

I've looked this world over
In search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd
Life's lanes, I have selected you.

Now will you give him all your love,
Nor count the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to
Take him back again?"

I fancied that I heard then say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,

The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known
Forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for him
Much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that come
And try to understand."

baby drool

July 13, 2007
2:01 AM

Note the drool running down the chin :)


1:48 AM

So I am practical...probably to a fault. Ok so I am sure it is to a fault. If you have ever taken the Meyers-Briggs personality test I am an ISTJ. That is a capital T; that is the giant T that letterman can leap with a single bound. For those that don't know, T is for thinking vs F for feeling. So now I have a new battle waging. The old thinking me wrestling with the me that now has more feelings and emotions than ever in my life. Kind of hard to handle on top of everything else.

So the practical side of me says...why sell your perfectly good house for another house that you have yet to even find.

The feeling side have to be nuts to stay where you are.

The practical side says...A house is a roof over my families' head.

The feeling side says...(*&^%^&%&^%

The practical side says...a date is just a number on a calendar just like any other day.

The feeling side says...anniversaries make for a cruddy day.

The practical side says...4 birthdays in one week...might as well get them all over with in the same horrid week.

The feeling side says...special days are tough...I have to do this 4 times in one week; you gotta be kidding.

stairs and giggles

July 10, 2007
10:16 PM

Something this morning made me think about Knox and how I carried him down the stairs. I would stop at the top and I would run down the stairs with him in my arms jouncing him as much as possible. He loved it and giggled gleefully all the way down. Maybe that is why he refused to learn to scoot down them on his bottom and always wanted to be carried down.

Emma says

July 9, 2007
11:41 PM

we will always count Knoxie when we count how many kids there are in the family and Jack says yes there are 3 boys...him, Daddy, and Knoxie!

Busy Box with Anne Michal

July 9, 2007
11:39 PM

Anne Michal has been wanting me to post telling how Knox loved playing with the busy box with her. I am not sure that is what you really call it or not but it is one of those things where the child manipulates different things like turning a lever or flipping a switch or pushing a botton and then something pops up. He couldn't do it by himself, but she would help him and he thought it was a lot of fun, laughing.

Book Suggestions

July 7, 2007
1:38 PM

Currently Reading
A Mother's Grief Observed: A Personal Account of How God Brought Hope and Healing Following the Devasting Loss of a Son
By Rebecca Faber

Just thought I would mention that if you want an inkling of some of the stuff that we are going through with losing Knox or understanding other people and their losses, you might want to check out some of the books I have listed in my What I am currently reading tags(or whatever you call them in the blogging world). They have helped me to know that I am not alone in my thoughts and struggles ands of course it is easy for me to say now, but I think that it would be a good idea for Christians to read some of these personal narratives to aid them in helping to share another's grief. If this had been someone other than me, I wouldn't have had a clue about what to say or do so I probably would have done nothing... and that would have been sad.

Just Because

July 6, 2007
9:35 PM

The Knox Jar

July 5, 2007
11:58 PM

I did a bit of research and here is what I found out about the Knox canning jars. I don't know if you can tell in the picture that the jar is actually kind of square.

The Knox jars were made in the 1940s by the Knox Glass Bottle Co. in Knox, PA The pints and quarts are worth about $6. The half pints and half gallons are of greater value to collectors.

Phantom Pains

July 5, 2007
1:52 AM

Phantom pains are what someone who has lost a limb feels. It will feel like the limb hurts even though it isn't there. I have phantom pains too. My arms ache. This isnt' figurative. They really do ache. It is a real feeling that I can't describe, but it comes from not being able to hold my little boy. I miss his running to me and jumping in my arms. I can still feel what it feels like to pick him up and hold him close. My arms ache for that.

This picture was taken the weekend of his baptism at our friends Alex and Tanya's who were kind enough to let us use their residence to host a feast in honor of Knox and his baptism.

More What I learned from Knox

July 4, 2007
1:10 AM

I have learnt that words often aren't enough and sometimes are too much.
I have learnt that prayer is a gift beyond measure that God has given for such times as this.
I have learnt that saying goodbye is heartwrenching, looking foward to hello too painful to think about.
I have learnt that God is a gracious God who did not leave Heaven a secret.
I have learnt that the rain falls on us all.
I have learnt to weep and groan for my sisters here and to thank God for their love and support, togetherness and willingness to share and carry each others burdens.
I have learnt more about a lovely little boy named Knox whose bright smile, bright locks and bright personality brightened the days of grief. What a dear little fellow and what a gift,

I have learned to hug my children a little tighter, keep them a little closer, and pray for them more continually.

I have learned that life can change in the blink of an eye - but even in the darkest night, even when it makes NO sense, God is holding us tight and He is still in control and even such things as this work together for *good* to those who love the Lord.

I have learned that when I can't pray, God hears the groanings of my heart.

I have learned that our lives really are not our own.

I have learned how fast life can change.

I have learned to enjoy my children more.

I have learned how comforting God's goodness and sovereignty are in a time like this. Even when I don't understand and still wish for Knox to be in his mama's arms instead of God's right now...that this was His good and perfect plan and it helps knowing that.

I have learned that God was with Knox every moment, and that he was not alone when he died. Crying or Very sad

I have learned that you can deeply love and grieve over one you have never met.

I have learned that my grief cannot compare in any way to the grief Rachel and Jon have felt and feel, and that reality makes me groan all the more for them in prayer.

I have learned that the church is a great blessing in time of need.

I have learned to long for heaven a little bit more.

An interesting and special gift

July 2, 2007
10:50 PM

A member of our church gave this to Jon yesterday at church. I unwrapped it and found a jar with a note inside. I thought it was a bit odd, but after reading a bit of the note I knew to look at the jar more closely. She had found this jar while cleaning out her parent's lake house. We think it is very neat; I think we'll use it for our loose change jar and let the kids help us decide how to use the money to help others just as we have been helped. Thanks for the fun gift!!

Children's Miracle Network

July 2, 2007
10:33 PM

We got a thank you card from them; they said that Anne Michal and Jack raised by far the most money and thanked them for their effort. They expressed their sympathy to us and said they loved it when children were helping children. We were glad to help them out and we thank all those again who helped us help them!!!! :)

In Christ Alone

July 1, 2007
11:13 PM

Currently Reading
The Year of Magical Thinking
By Joan Didion

We sang this in church today as we often do. I had a little trouble. I think Jack is going to grow up thinking all moms cry on top of their sons head in church. And salty tears make for a spiky hairdo.

The last verse especially seemed fitting this morning.

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! – who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save:
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied –
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine –
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life’s first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
‘Til He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand!

Loving Others

June 30, 2007
11:17 PM

Along the way, as we have had children and we have lived here and there and developed relationships in each of those places, we recognized how wonderful it is when people outside of our family love our children. It is nice for them to realize that someone cares about them other than their mom and dad. Of course Mommy and Daddy love them, they are family. When other people show their care about them it really ministers to their hearts. It helps them to learn how to love others in return, to have a servant's heart, and develop relationships of their own. I know many people loved Knox besides his family and for that I am very thankful. Here are some pics of him with some of the people that loved him.

The first one was taken at his first birthday celebration. He was in just a diaper because he was preparing to get really messy eating cake. Two families that we are friends with came over to help us celebrate. Here Alex was playing with Knox; he had snuck around the corner to "scare" him. You can't see Knox's face, but you see just enough to see that he was laughing uncontrollably. Thanks Alex and family for loving Knox.

Next is his favorite neighbor and babysitter Hannah.  Thanks Hannah for always being willing to babysit in a pinch and to you and your family for loving Knox.

In this picture, he is with another Hannah.  Hannah kept him  a lot in the nursery during church and during Homeschool coop.  Thanks Hannah for always being excited to see Knox (runny nose and all) and to Hannah and family for loving Knox.

You and so many others have ministered to our children and to us.