Things that are hard

June 10, 2008
10:50 PM

I haven't posted much lately, but not because I haven't had anything to say but because I was putting off writing this post and I needed to be able to get my thoughts together enough to do it.  I am not going to be posting on this blog any more; I have been trying to quit for a couple of months now and I guess it feels like another "leaving him behind" moment.  I have exhausted my picture of him for the most part.  I started this blog to record his pictures and memories and that has been accomplished; along the way, it developed into something a little more and for that I am grateful, but I feel as though it is time to bring it to an end.  I'll still be blogging on my other blog and I am sure it will include things about Knox and my writings from here will carry over to our family blog because he is still a part of our family.
    I want to thank again all of you that have been supportive of our family.  Thank you for all the notes, the prayers, the comments and messages.  I appreciated all of them even if I wasn't able to respond at the time I received them.  This blog will stay where it is; the pictures and stories will be here for viewing and reading and maybe they will be a comfort to someone down the road.

Still Here

June 10, 2008
10:50 PM

I was watching part of a miniseries yesterday in which there is a character whose mom died when she was still young.  Someone was asking her about it and she said that she felt like her mom was still there along side her while she did her chores and took care of her siblings.  She found this comforting.  I could relate well to that; I still feel Knox's presence and "see" him playing along his siblings, kissing Creed on the forehead just like everyone else,  and climbing up beside me on the couch for a quick cuddle.  He left but is still here.

A collage of favorites

June 2, 2008
11:37 AM


June 1, 2008
12:20 AM

I was kissing on Creed, and it reminded me of how I would pull Knox on my lap and smother him with kisses.  I would imagine how one day I would go to do that and he would say something along the lines of, "Mom!!!  I am too big to be kissed like that."  I both dreaded and looked forward to that day.

Just Because

May 31, 2008
12:01 AM


May 26, 2008
11:39 PM

A few days ago I kissed a little head hello.  A year ago I kissed a little head goodbye.

It is easier having a newborn when your youngest is 4 and not a toddler any more.  It is harder having a newborn when you see your would be 2 1/2 yr old who really isn't there.  

With Hope

May 22 2008
12:12 AM

With Hope

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
By Steven Curtis Chapman

May you and yours grieve with hope...

For Lori

May 18, 2008
5:47 PM

wonder why?

May 12, 2008
11:35 PM

Ever wonder why we would have another child?  We decided a long time ago that we didn't want to stop having children for selfish reasons like thinking we could afford them or it would take too much or "our" time; I would think selfish reasons would look different for different people but that really isn't even what this is about.  When Knox died, we could add another reason to not have another child: fear. The fear being setting ourselves up for the potential of more heartache, grief and loss. So we found ourselves at a point of not having another child being either selfish or driven by fear.  But we also believe that the Bible is clear that children are a blessing. So if we were to let ourselves be ruled by our fear then we would miss out.  I have already made it clear numerous times that we feel Knox was a blessing even though we only had him a short time; we'd never go back and change not having him.  That would be ridiculous.  This, however,  doesn't cancel out the fear.  That is hard.  One of the kids was having trouble sleeping tonight and may still be awake because she is worried about the baby.  What if he dies?  It is hard; I can't tell her he won't.  I can't promise he'll be healthy.  All I can do is tell her is to trust God and believe in his sovereign goodness that what He does is right.  Two years ago, I would have reassured her that he would be fine.  Don't worry. Nothing will happen. Now I tell God.  He is good.  He does not call us to live lives of fear and anxiety.  We cast our cares on Him.  And so I tell myself these things too.

Grieving Friends

May 12, 2008
9:24 AM

Here is a link to a blog from someone who lost a child; she writes a short series on what your grieving friend might be going through.

Before the Storm

May 11, 2008
12:46 AM

I knew when I was scrapbooking that the hardest pages would be the ones from last spring; that is how I remember him; how he is real to me.  I wanted to get those done while away from home and several times, I tried to go to the end and work backwards but I just couldn't do it. I  was compelled to go in order for some reason or another.  As I was doing those spring pages this week,  I was thinking about what a fun time that was.  There were some hard times too, but Knox was so much fun; we had a lot of gorgeous weather for playing outside; my parents came for a long visit with lots of fun activities....I was thinking about how lots of time the sky is beautiful right before a storm, and that was what I was reminded of...the beauty right before the storm.  Life was, in fact, regardless of any minor difficulties beautiful at that time.  I looked at all the pictures of him playing and smiling, of loving and being loved, and then the storm hit, one of those violent ones that come out of nowhere, the kind that follow a beautiful sky, but we weathered the storm.  It hit fast and furious and left behind a lot of damage; not the kind of damage that can be fixed overnight, but the kind that takes time and patience to repair and still leaves thing not as they were but patched up.  We know and cling to the fact that the beautiful sky and the violent storm are both wonders of God; both display His power and His glory and both we accept equally.

Scrapbooking pictures

May 11, 2008
12:30 AM

Well, 4 rolls of adhesive tape and one messy dining room and I am finally done.  I took just a few pictures of pages to put on here; of course, you really can't see them that well, but if you ever want to look at his scrapbook all you have to do is ask.


May 10, 2008
3:06 AM

I have been working on Knox's babybook/scrapbook.  Jon took charge of the kids last weekend and I mostly secluded myself in a hotel to spread it all out and work on it.  I felt the need to be by myself and work on it in solitude.  I didn't quite finish as there were some unexpected blips in the weekend, but finished most of it today.  I have a few odds and ends to finish and then I'll be done.  Anyway, when I started I didn't really know exactly what I wanted to do.  I feel like especially after doing this blog that I have most of his pictures memorized, but I realized as I started that I didn't want it to be a memorial; I mean it will be because it is about his life, but I created it as though he were still alive just as I have the other kids(the ones I have actually finished that is).  I wanted it to read as though he could sit down as an older child and flip through it and read about his babyhood.  I think I accomplished that; there isn't tons of journaling but mostly words in pictures with stories thrown in here and there.  I realized that this blog is his memorial where I have spoken of happy times with him, the memories, but also the pain and suffering of the grief we have gone through accompanied by the comfort and hope of a Heavenly Father.  I wanted his scrapbook to be something different, more of a storybook.  Thanks to everyone that helped the weekend happen and to the kids for being such good sports about being without Mom for a few days.

Identical Expressions

May 5, 2008
11:57 AM

Is there anything sweeter?

May 3, 2008
7:19 PM

than a daddy holding his newborn? 

The combover

May 1, 2008
5:19 PM

I posted this picture not long ago, but I realized today what a perfect shot this gives of Knox's combover. I zoomed in so you could get a closer look. ;) Notice that his crown is far too the side and his hair is rather thing and longish. ;) I always thought it made him look like a balding man trying to combover the bald sport!!

Brothers part II

April 30, 2008
9:24 AM

When I was doing the post of Jack and Knox, I had to save this picture for its own post.

If we were upstairs working or doing stuff, when Knox woke up from his nap, Jack would ask me if he could go talk to Knox. So I'd let him and finish up what I was doing before getting him up. It was kind of fun for them to have their time together. One day when we did this, I could just hear them laughing and laughing. They seemed to be having the best time. I went in to see what was so hilarious and Jack had filled Knox's bed with so much stuff that he had Knox backed into a corner. It was typical for him to give Knox a couple of toys to play with, but he got just a tad carried away that time. I think Knox was one step away from finding it NOT so funny anymore. Besides taking the picture, Jack did get instructions to not give him more than a couple of toys again!!

Jack and Knox

April 28, 2008
10:00 PM

I was so glad to be able to give Jack a brother and he had no trouble adjusting to having one. Here he holds him in his first days. Doesn't he look like a proud big brother?

Jammie boys!

Knox was fun to take along for rides.

Jack always played so nice with Knox. Sharing his cars and other toys.

Being Anderson men and reading good books!

Jack loves this picture of Knox on his back.

A favorite of mine as a reminder of how they enjoyed playing together and loved each other.

Things people say

April 27, 2008
5:42 PM

From 1 yr ago:

Forgive me. I've gotta say it even if I know God knows best

Knox should not be dead.

It's just wrong.

That baby hould be home in his mama's arms.

Rachel should not be making memory blogs about that child she should be making memories WITH him.

I hate sin. I really hate it.

I think the reason death is the biggest challenge to our faith is because that is when we have the most awful things before our eyes. What we see is the body of the person being put in a box and lowered into the ground, there to dissolve away in a very unpleasant manner. The only way we KNOW a person is through their body, and so to see that body treated as a thing is something that is very difficult for us. This is when we most have to walk by faith and NOT by sight, because what we SEE is nothing but despair. It's bad enough that the person is just gone, not there anymore in your life, but all this seems like an added indignity. It would have been much easier if the person just disappeared and what remained was a nice note from God reminding you that the separation is only temporary. But I guess we are forced to go through the horrific situation of dealing with the bodies both to see the wages of sin and also give us the opportunity to have faith that God who created life will one day restore it.

It IS wrong.

It is horrific and grotesque to put a baby's body in the ground.

It is agonizing to see a mother longing for her child.

It is heartbreaking to hear a father speak of the dreams he had for his son that were ripped away.

It is excruciating to see a child's mournful reaction to seeing their beloved brother in a casket.

It is awful to see your husband carry the casket of his friend's baby son to his grave.

Sin is at work in the world, in our lives, and in our hearts. It tempts us to deny the goodness and faithfulness of God. It tempts us to despair. It tempts us to quail before death and its horror. But death does not have the victory, and the King reigns.

I want to encourage you with what I've been preaching to myself. It's easy to trust God in the light. I am holding fast with all my might to what I know is true, trusting that God is good even when evidence screams to the contrary. I'm looking to the cross, and trying to fix my eyes on the mingling there of love and death and suffering. I am clinging to God's promise and cleaving to his mercy. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.

Things That are Hard

April 26, 2008
11:57 PM

Knox would be 2 1/2 tomorrow.  When I think about that, it makes me feel like I don't know him any more.  The Knox I know is 1 1/2, small in stature and short on words.  He didn't say I love you yet; at least not in words.  I have to wonder...would he be talking in complete sentences? Or would he still be pointing and signing please?  What would he look like  with a big-boy haircut.  Because he surely would have one by now.  Would he still be obsessed with cars and trains.  Probably, who wouldn't with a big brother to play those with every day.    How much would he have grown?  Would he have closed in the gap between him and Jack? Would he be learning to ride a tricycle?  Would he enjoy playing at the splashpad or would still cry when water got in his eyes.  Would he still eat a banana first thing every morning or would he have a new favorite food.  What would be his new favorite book?  Would he be able to kick a soccer ball around with Jack.  He'd be going to worship with us.  How would he be doing? Would I have to take him out every week? Would he still want  to get to the front where Jon was standing? Would he be able to sing the doxology with us? The questions  are neverending and I'll never know. That is hard!

Things people say

April 24, 2008
8:31 PM

It has always seemed like such a tragedy to me that Knox was loved so much yet taken,but here is what a friend had to say in regards to the Goodbye Post and she is right.  I am very grateful that he was so loved and that I don't have to have any regrets over his ever not being wanted or loved and cared for. I know I have said before just how easily he fit into our family just like he was always apart of it and how it seemed that God knew he was just what we needed. He was always considered precious by all of us.

It's sweet and perfect that they loved him so much.  Imagine how much more tragic the death of an unloved child would be.  He went straight from the love and care of his earthly family to the love and care of his heavenly family.

Thanks Natalie for the perspective.

Saying Goodbye

April 23, 2008
11:50 PM

Naturally this week I have been thinking about Knox's time in the hospital and what it was like. There is no way to describe what that week was like, but I am so glad that we had that 10 days to be with him and tell him goodbye.  He was so well taken care of by the nurses and staff. I can't stress enough how much I felt like they truly cared for him as they gently cared for him and for us too.  I appreciate the  time they spent with us and their honesty; they were open with us and even let us get glimpses into their lives and get to know them as people too. There were people on staff that helped prepare our children for seeing him with all the tubes and wires and helped prepare them for what might happen. They couldn't have  made a horrible situation any better and for that I am eternally grateful.
   Saying Goodbye seemed impossible but was inevitable; we knew it was coming but yet held out that hope that they'd take him off the respirator and God would miraculously heal him and he would breathe.  When we have Christ, we cling to hope, but our hope really isn't in this world and God does as He wills. It is good even when we don't understand. All I could think of that last day was what we were going to have to do and how in the world were we going to tell our children that they had to tell Knox goodbye. I don't even remember what was said to them though I remember their response.  Always I will remember that one along with giving him his last bath and lotioning him up with Johnson's baby lotion (is there any better smell?). I'll always remember holding him and whispering to him and loving him. And I'll always remember walking out without him. At least I will never have to do that one again because when we see him again it will be forever with no more goodbyes.  We love you Knoxie!!! I leave you with these because I treasure them and because pictures can say what words cannot.

Josh did it again

April 23, 2008
8:51 PM

wrote a beautiful poem. I especially love the second to last stanza. Thanks Josh. You can read it on his blog.


April 23, 2008
7:41 PM

Obviously, the death of a child is a huge change. He was here now he is gone. There were 5 now there are 4. It is easy to see the emptiness, to see what is missing. But is is ever so much bigger than that. We are all different now; none of are the same. Not me or Jon or Anne Michal, Lizzy, Emma,and Jack. We are all marked by the loss of son and brother. We have new fears, new dreads, new thoughts. It doesn't matter what they are;they are there. The kids have sadness they can't explain; nightmares haunt them. I could tell you distinctly how each person in the house has changed.
However, some things never change and I have to remind myself of that. There is a family in our church that has 3 older sons and a daughter. We used to sit where if I looked across the church I could see them sitting up toward the front. The sons are tall and strong and tower over their mother. I used to wonder(and still do) what that day would be like when my sons were standing beside me in church towering over me and worshiping God as part of my family. It was a day to which I looked forward. I remember telling our pastor that and he said that was something to mourn. And it is, very much, but I also know that our hopes and dreams don't have to change.Knox has already arrived and is complete. For our children that are still here with us, our hopes and dreams have not changed because their brother died. God's promises to us are still his promises. Jon and I still have the hope of generations after us worshiping and serving God with their whole hearts;of loving Him with a love that we can only imagine. We pray for a line of faithful followers that if anything have been strengthened by him who has gone before them.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you,plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Oh to be four

April 23, 2008
1:07 PM

Jack has become attached to a new stuff animal.He still loves his monkeys,but he doesn't NEED them like he did. His new love is this really little dog that is neither particularly cute or soft; apparently he got it when he was in the hospital around 14 months because of a really bad stomach virus and dehydration. I don't really remember his getting the dog, but his sisters do and he says he does as well. He seems to remember other details that don't seem possible so I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. He has named this dog Knox so don't be surprised if you hear him asking where Knox is. He means his dog. I am used to it. They have playmobile animals and other things they have named Knox so I hear that sort of stuff all the time. So today he got in trouble for throwing a fit and I sent him to his bed. He laid in his bed screaming," I want Knox!!!" over and over until someone gave him his dog. I wish I were four so I could scream the same thing, but I wouldn't mean the dog.

Some of my favorite photos

April 23, 2008
12:29 PM

Emma and Knox

April 22, 2008
11:44 PM

When Knox was born, Emma was 3 yrs and  3 months, yet she was the big sister of not just one brother but two!  She found it a bit frustrating to not get to hold him as much as Elizabeth and Anne Michal much less carry him around. As you can see,however, she delighted in holding him.

This was around he was eating solids and Emma wanted to pose with him.

As they both got older, he even more fun to play with and she liked to make him laugh and have fun with him like pushing him in this wagon at the Wilkersons.

 She got to where she really like him to sit in her lap. Never mind that he seemed as big as her when on her lap. He is zoned because he is watching cars.I don't think she can actually see  the movie over his head, but she really wanted him to sit on her lap while watching.

 Another...Hey Knox! Come sit on my lap! It made her feel like one of the big girls to have him  sit on her lap.