Just Because

February 29, 2008
5:35 PM

I'll never tire of this picture...

Giving Knox a hug...

February 27, 2008
10:05 PM

This is probably just one of those things just in my head, but one of the things I want to always remember....I have a locket that I always wear that has a color laser-engraved picture of Knox (similar to the one you see on the upper left of my blog) and the saying "Always a Joy." Particularly when we are in church, Jack will sit on my lap and open the locket and smile. He whispers, "Knoxie ...always a joy." Then he leaves the locket open and lays his head on my chest. It makes me think he is giving Knox a hug.

Words that can't be defined

February 26, 2008
1:30 AM

I was listening to some talks that Nancy Guthrie gave at a woman's retreat at Lagniappe Presbyterian Church this past weekend. I have several of her books, and it is rather soothing to read her books and listen to her and think, "I have said that same thing" or "That is exactly how I feel." One of the things she talked about was how people don't know what to do with "sad" and how to deal with people who are just sad. When she said that, I thought, "Other people, I don't know what to do with my own sadness." I never knew what sad was before. I don't know how many times I have said either aloud or in my head, "I am just so sad...so terribly sad." Yet, it isn't a word I can define. I don't think anyone can. You simply feel it. It has a presence to it. She talks about groaning. I know I have mentioned before recognizing the groans of my children because I have heard the same sound come from myself. It is unique. It can't be defined. It just happens and wells up out of your soul. Anguish: another feeling that cannot be defined along with grief. It has to be experienced to be understood and even then it cannot be adequately defined. I think that is one reason why I find listening to her soothing because she doesn't have to define those words to me and I know she doesn't need them defined to understand.

Just Because

February 23, 2008
2:24 AM

This seemed fitting

February 21, 2008
12:44 AM

Currently Reading
A Walk with Jane Austen: A Journey into Adventure, Love, and Faith
By Lori Smith

from part of Jane Austen's epitaph:

"Their grief is in proportion to their affection
they know their loss to be irreparable...."

Remember the Alamo

February 17, 2008
1:51 AM

Funny little picture, but it seemed like a funny thing to say.  We weren't quite at the Alamo in the picture but down the street.  Knox may not have seen the ocean or played in the snow, but he did get to see the Alamo which had been on Anne Michal's top ten list of things to do for a while!!  I am pretty sure he loved it and learned a lot!

Thankful Thursday

February 14, 2008
1:09 PM

I know I have mentioned before Jack praying, "Thank you for letting us love Knox." Every night we pray together when he goes to bed. Sometimes he prays, sometimes I pray, sometimes we both pray, but usually it is just me because he says he is too tired!! Anyway, he always wants me to pray about Knoxie. I cannot leave this out nor any other part of his evening prayer. But we always pray one of the following..

Thank you for Knox and that he loves us and we love him.
Thank you for letting Knox be our brother and son.
Thank you that Knox is in heaven with you.

Book + Baby

February 13, 2008
1:11 AM

= Bliss

Just Because

February 8, 2008
11:26 PM


February 7, 2008
11:03 AM

For anyone knowing the kind of stuff I mean....I should never post late at night and I should always edit but I post a lot late at night and I never edit. You think a person would learn. It would save my husband a lot of trouble so he wouldn't have to call from work and say things like....you might want to change girl to a boy....


February 7, 2008
12:10 AM

I remember going to the sonogram for Knox. As usual we took all the kids with us; it helps them to connect to the baby to see it on the screen, and what better family event than to get a sneak preview of the newest member. I used to think that you shouldn't want one sex over the other. I mean what we all want most of all is a healthy baby, right? And I admit to be nervous about the health and well-being. In my warped mind, I wonder how many healthy children can one couple have? Shouldn't we just quit while we are ahead? Why gamble? blah...blah....blah....
So anyway, back to wanting one sex over the other. I really, really wanted Knox to be a boy. I KNOW I would have been happy with a girl...who wouldn't? I had 3 and they were/are great, but I wanted Jack to have a brother. He had 3 sisters. I wanted him to have the experience of growing up with a brother, a best friend. BUT, I really thought I was having a girl. It seemed like my pregnancies with the girls. I think I just thought I had girls and Jack was kind of a fluke...heehee...anyway, when they said it was a boy I was shocked. REALLY???? The girls were thrilled. They wanted another brother too. They were pulling for moving toward an even count. Jack, well, I he was too young to really care. I remember just being on cloud nine. I told my friend Becky, "Can it get better than this? 3 girls and 2 boys!" It isn't like I ever imagined having 5 kids in the first place. I just felt so blessed and kind of in awe of the whole thing. Funny, how at least for me, no matter how many kids it just doesn't ever seem real, but you feel the movement within and see that picture on the screen; attach an identity with a sex and a name and reality starts to really sink in.
Knox was wanted and loved and cherished. A wonderful son and brother. A gift from above. Always a joy. He does not get left behind. He was little brother in life and now gains the title of big brother to a brother to come. One of six and an even count....Anne Michal, Elizabeth, Emma, Jack, Knox, and Christian.

from Christmas tree....

February 5, 2008
10:24 PM

to Valentine's tree....

and we can plant one shrub or tree. So if any of you Texans know what would be a good choice I am open to suggestions and instructions. Preferably, I'd like something colorful or that is long-flowering.

In case

February 5, 2008
9:45 PM

you don't read my other blog....Anne Michal, Elizabeth, Emma, Jack and Knox are going to have a new brother....Christian Kirke.

Dream about Knox

February 3, 2008
10:45 AM

I had a dream about Knox last night. This isn't something that happens very often as I rarely remember what I dream, but this was after I had been awake and gone back to sleep. I am not going to relate the whole dream because as dreams often do most of it didn't make sense, but in the dream it was early in the morning and he was still asleep. I went and checked on him and he was sleeping. Anyway, I went to another room and in a few minutes I looked up and there he was standing there with some serious bed head on the right side of his head. He looked at me with a squirmy grin and I held out my arms and said "Come see me." Then he did his thing where he grins at me, puts his arm behind his back and turns his body back and forth. Then someone walked in the room and woke me up. It was really sweet and I realized as I laid there thinking about it that he was bigger, older. He looked like a two year old; he got up out of bed and walked in the room like he would now as he would be in a big boy bed. It was sweet.

Just Because

February 1, 2008
9:36 PM

Another Read

January 27, 2008
10:29 PM

Currently Reading
Scottish Seas
By Douglas Jones

It has been a difficult week with just a lot of grief pouring out of the kids and us with a lot of sleeplessness. I couldn't sleep last night honestly because I was struggling with images of the scene of the accident and having trouble not being haunted with thoughts of his suffering so I got up and pulled a book off the shelf I hadn't read: Scottish Seas by Douglas Jones. I am not going to give a long synopsis of the book, but focus on the particularly relevant details. There was a young boy in the book that lived by the sea. He was terrified of the sea-side cliffs because he was terrified of the sea. He was afraid the sea would reach out and grab him off the cliffs and wash him away. He found himself in a dangerous situation that required him to climb the cliffs in the middle of a storm with the angry sea crashing around him. Just as he thought he was about to be carried away into the sea, he felt a strong hand gripping his arm. His father had found him and was pulling him to safety. Reading that, I had this image of Knox being grabbed to safety by his heavenly Father; but it was the safety of heaven. It was a comforting image that gave me reassurance once again that God was with him and God could limit his suffering, that he is with God so his suffering is insignificant to him, and that God is still with us guarding over our suffering.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

January 26, 2008
10:08 PM

Currently Listening
Coram Deo: In the Presence of God
By Charlie Peacock

Huggy Pictures

January 24, 2008
2:43 PM

He is watching Cars....heehee


January 23, 2008
6:16 PM

I know all moms think their kids are the cutest, the sweetest, the brightest....but it is impossible for me to describe the kind of kid Knox was and how we all felt about him. From the beginning, he always felt like a part of our family as though we had always had him. He was so easy going and very pleasant. He was always so loveable and huggable. Everyone of us adored him. He never lacked any attention or any one to play with. I was constantly calling Elizabeth back to her school work. These were her excuses: but Knox needed me, he wanted me to play with him, he wanted me to read him this book, I had to get him a toy. Jack and he played for hours with cars and trains. Anne Michal loved to play outside with him and was always ready to help feed him breakfast or whatever he needed. Emmas had become addicted to having him sit on her lap and wanted to be close to him. He was getting to the age of becoming more of a Daddy's boy, running to the door when Jon came home to give him a big hug.

He was always a pick-me-up; he made everyone happy. Having a rough day? Knox would quickly put a smile on your face. As Anne Michal has said, he gave the best hugs and was not stingy with them at all. She was crying the other night because she wanted a hug from him and couldn't have one.That is a terrible, empty feeling. I still feel myself picking him up and holding him all the time. I never got tired of it(ok...realistically I probably did, but not really); I loved holding him and carrying him around. The kids never tired of playing with him and always wanted him included in whatever they were doing. They didn't see him as the pesky little brother or in the way because of the things they couldn't do because of his naps or schedule.

It is hard to not have him any more. We miss him. We are sad that Molly/Christian will never get a Knox hug. We'll have to make up for the lack of them. He was a dear, dear boy; and there could never be another little boy quite like him.

Just Because

January 23, 2008
3:30 PM

Just Because

January 21, 2008
5:52 PM

Here boy!!!

January 20, 2008
2:13 AM

I used to get on the kids in a kidding way about how they treated Knox like he was a dog. When they wanted him to come to them especially when he was learning to walk, they would say things like...

Here Knoxie.

Come on. Come on Knoxie.

Here boy!!!

These would all be delivered with the kind of half-squat with the hands on the knees and then a clap or two of the hands. Just like they were calling for a dog. I can see Emma doing this in my mind clearly!!

They often got chided that he was not a dog and not their pet!!!! It was rather funny.


January 20, 2008
2:06 AM

It is hard not to long for the days when my life was simple. Funny, I am not sure how simple I really thought life was. I knew it was simple and I don't mean simple as in plain or boring, but as in not complicated. I made it complicated sometimes but it was rather self-fabricated. I was thinking about how our kids interacted and the simple requests by the girls to play with Knox in his room. I am not sure why that particular request by them seemed fun to them, but I guess somehow it seemed like a "big" thing to do. Perhaps this is because it came with admonitions to make sure they kept the door closed (his room was upstairs) and to be careful. I don't know why but this particular thing just seemed simple to me. You know, I knew what they liked to do, what they could do, how to let them do it. Joy was joy and sadness and was sadness and anger was anger. It wasn't too hard to figure anyone out. No one had trouble dwelling on the past or the future for that matter. It was a simple life of living day to day....working, playing, being with each other, loving, fussing, complaining, praising....Now things don't seem so simple. All the things the kids say and do get run through the "their brother died filter." We work hard to keep things the same and, yes, simple, but yet lots of things get that special handling. It is hard to not crave simpler days when you live in days shadowed by sadness and complex feelings. Feeling that can creep on you out of no where. No one knows quite what you are feeling, and you don't know what anyone else is feeling. It gets kind of complicated. I've always like things cut and dry. Do"a" and you get "b." There is no "c." It is hard to think things are simple when everything seems to be changed. You get used to a certain way of life and then it no longer exists, but yet you live on like it does. I don't know; Maybe it is all more simple than I think.

Did you know?

January 18, 2008
11:52 PM

That Knox had a cute little birthmark on his bellyt. I can't remember what kind it was called, but it was a temporary one that formed because of the blood vessels beneath the skin. Kind of a cute belly button too, huh?

The Groovy Gang

January 17, 2008
11:21 PM

My mom and I helped the kids make these tie-dye t-shirts after Christmas at her house.  They have had a lot of fun wearing them.  They are a bunch of groovy kids and Knox was one groovy toddler.

Texas/Kansas crew

January 16, 2008
10:40 AM

I posted about the trip we took to Kansas not too long ago. I came across this picture not from our trip to Kansas but Kansas's trip to us!!! It is all of the kiddoes gathered together outside of church.

He goes ahead

January 15, 2008
9:26 PM

Currently Reading
Streams in the Dessert

I have been using this devotional called Streams in the Dessert that someone recommended to me. The one yesterday was meaningful to me and because of some things that others I know are going through and those I know that are uncertain about what even their immediate future might bring to them or theirs, I thought I'd post it here.

When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them. John 10:4

This is intensely difficult work for Him and us---it is difficult for us to go, but equally difficult for Him to cause us pain. Yet it must be done. It would not be in our best interest to always remain in one happy and comfortable location. Therefore He moves us forward. The shepherd leaves the fold so the sheep will move on to the vitalizing mountain slopes. In the same way, laborers must be driven out into the harvest, or else the golden grain would spoil.

But take heart! It could never be better to stay once He determines otherwise; if the loving hand of our Lord moves us forward, it must be best. Forward, in His name, to green pastures, quiet waters, and mountain heights!!(Ps 23:2) "He goes on ahead of us." So whatever awaits us is encountered first by Him, and the eye of faith can always discern His majestic presence out in front. When His presence cannot be seen, it is dangerous to move ahead. Comfort your heart with the fact that the Savior has Himself experienced all the trials He asks you to endure; He would not ask you to pass through them unless He was sure that the paths were not too diffficult or strenuous for you.

This is the blessed life--not anxious to see far down the road nor overly concerned about the next step, not eager to choose the path nor weighted down with the heavy responsibilities of the future, but quietly following the Shepherd, one step at a time.

Dark is the sky! and veiled the unknown morrow!

   Dark is life's way, for night is not yet o'er;

The longed-for glimpse I may not meanwhile borrow;

   But, this I know and trust, HE GOES BEFORE.

Dangers are near! and fears my mind are shaking;

   Heart seems to dread what life may hold in store;

But I am His---He knows the way I'm taking,

   More blessed even still---HE GOES BEFORE.

Doubts cast their weird, unwelcome shadows o'er me,

   Doubts that life's best---life's choicest things are o'er;

What but His Word can strengthen, can restore me,

   And this blest fact; that still HE GOES BEOFRE.

HE GOES BEFORE! Be this my consolation!

   He goes before! On this my heart would dwell!

He goes before! This guarantees salvation!

   HE GOES BEFORE! And therefore all is well.

                                            J.Danson Smith

The oriental shepherd always walked ahead of his sheep. He was always out in front. Any attack upon the sheep had to take him into account first. Now God is out in front. He is in our tomorrows, and it is tomorrow that fills people with fear. Yet God is already there. All the tomorrows of our life have to pass through Him before they can get to us. F.B.Meyer

God is in every tomorrow,

   Therefore I live for today,

Certain of finding at sunrise,

   Guidance and strength for my way;

Power for each moment of weakness,

   Hope for each moment of pain,

Comfort for every sorrow,

   Sunshine and joy after rain.

Even Jack does it...

January 15, 2008
8:06 PM

I bought some bedding for the top bunk in Jack's room yesterday and when he saw it he asked, "Is that for Kno....?" and then just trailed off. And to think I was worried he would quickly forget.

just because

January 14, 2008
9:23 AM

God's Sovereignty

January 13, 2008
5:24 PM

This is actually something I wrote a while ago as a reminder to myself when I start stirring the pot. I was reminded of it today, as we recited the Heidelberg Catechism #1 today in church as we often do.

God’s sovereignty

After Hannah, Marian, and I together pieced together the events of April 13th, 2007, there are only 2 possible conclusions. Either we were bound together in the most bizarre unfortunate order of events leading to Knox’s accident concluding that it was just a series of dumb bad luck or that God is indeed in complete control. In pondering this, I was thinking how if instead a series of amazing events led up to some miraculous saving of his life that shouldn’t have happened, we would have been singing God’s praises and telling everyone we knew how God’s hand was in it and how he protected him and put everyone in the right place at the right time. Instead it was as though everyone was in the wrong place at the wrong time, but was God still not there? Was He still not in control? Thank the Lord, He is sovereign and in control.

More chubby cheeks

January 12, 2008
2:03 PM

Grief is a very lonely thing

January 11, 2008
3:12 PM

I read that on someone else's blog who had lost a child and it struck a chord with me. I don't remember what she said abotu it, but I recognized the truth in what she said. It doesn't matter how many family or friends you have with you; you are still alone with your thoughts. You have all those moments that only you have shared with the one you lost. You have memories that no one else shares. No one has the same experience I have had with him while he was living, in the hospital, and in mourning. It is really a rather sobering thought...no one can miss him like I do just like no one can miss him like Jon or Anne Michal or Elizabeth or Emma or Jack or you. Yes, there are things that you share with others and comfort in mourning with others and knowing that others miss him too; yet, it is still lonely.

Just Because

January 10, 2008
9:46 PM

can you say "maniacal jumper?"


January 9, 2008
2:21 PM

Anne Michal was very concerned that Knox had never been to Kansas but he had; she had just forgotten though I know those who know her find that extremely hard to believe. She was also upset that he had not seen snow adn wished that she had the opportunity to play in the snow with them. Here are some pictures of Knox from a trip we took to Kansas in May 2006.

We went the Sean's parents for Memorial Day.  The two little boys in the background belong to Heidi, Sean's sister.

Laying on a blanket and playing...recognize that blanket, Heather??

Chillin'  in the stroller while we enjoyed the zoo.

Napping all curled up with one of Aunt K's blankets.

January 6, 2007

January 6, 2008
5:00 PM

Jack had a birthday party at Chuckie Cheese's. This is what he had wanted to do all year. Here are some pictures of Knox from the party.

Knox with his Aunt Melissa.

Clapping for Jack blowing out his candles.

A letter to Knox

January 6, 2008
3:44 PM

Dear Knox,

We are missing you today on Jack's birthday. He'd love to be sharing his 4th birthday with you. You'd love to chase his little remote control car around that he got as a present! He has been missing you this week. I know this because he has been talking about you a lot lately and pouring over his photo album of the two of you. He smiles, he ponders, he looks happy, he looks sad. He reminds me that you wanted to do everything he did and why is that, mama, he asks. Is is because I loved him, he wants to know. The other night he reminded me of how you would wake him in the night with your crying. I think he has forgot about the times that he woke you up. He misses having you for a roommate. Know that we love you and miss you today and look forward to being together with you again.

Mommy for all of us


January 3, 2008
2:08 PM

that is my word for 2008. At first I was thinking, renewal but realized that rebuilding is a better choice. From April 13, 2007 it was all about survival and now it is time for rebuilding. It doesn't mean we miss Knox less or grieve him ldess. The hole doesn't get any smaller, but it is time for our normal to change again. This is going to be hard; harder than just surviving I think. Jon just asked me how we are supposed to go on. I sure don't know other than the answer I gave him which is that we have no choice. This is our life as ordained by God. We have 4 other kids and a new little one on the way that need two parents to continue to love, train, and educate them. So in 2008, we rebuild.

Things that are hard...

January 3, 2008
12:01 AM

It is hard enough being at home and feeling like your family is incomplete because that is what it feels like you know, but when we are out and about strangers don't know we are short one. Two things often happen.

One happens because my kids are extraordinarily cute ;) and we get lots of admiring glances and sometimes comments. I have to refrain myself from letting telling them they have no idea how it used to be and just how adorable Knox was. They don't need to know that and might think I am a tad crazy and then of course they would feel bad. Anne Michal talks about this sometimes..."Mama, remember how people used to comment on how many kids we had and how cute they thought Knox was?"

The second happens because it appears we have 3 girls and a youngest son. People seem to have this strong urge to comment on his sad state of affairs of being the only boy and how does he survive with those sisters and do they torture him and yada yada yada....This TEARS my kids up!!!! They know Jack isn't the only boy and they desperately wish he weren't the only boy living. The anguish in their faces is obvious. I never say anything, but yet somehow, feel like I am lying by not letting them know that we had another boy and we still have him in our hearts and waiting for us in heaven. Then there are those times where I have a strong urge to set them straight by telling them that no this is not all the kids we have....we have one in heaven and one on the way....wonder what they would say to that????

First Christmas without Knox

December 25, 2007
11:53 PM


Spirit, come flush the lies out...

December 24, 2007
6:33 PM

is a line from a Charlie Peacock song that I find myself praying a lot for myself and for others.
Phillipians 4:4-9

4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.


December 23, 2007
8:51 AM

The green paci only comes in green in that size. If you want to be exact, it is more of a teal. So yes, we had multiple green pacis. Who knows how many green pacis we have bought between him and Emma who also used them. Jack used them briefly too, but he was only 17 1/2 months younger than Emma who still used a paci and she wasn't having any of that paci-sharing business. That was fine with me since it is kind of hard to tell whose is whose when they all look alike!!! While I am an the paci subject, here is why I like the soothie paci. It seems to be easy for a newborn to keep in their mouth. The nipple feels like skin. If you rub your finger and then run the nipple of the paci it feels the same. Newborns like that. The big flat part of the paci makes it easy for you to prop their little hands behind the paci making it easier to stay in. They are also pretty indestructible. I have never had one wear out. The nipple doesn't get all soggy and weak or come apart from the base of the paci as they are all one piece. Love the green paci! And obviously Knox did too.

The paci parade

December 21, 2007
11:12 PM

I am sure that you have noticed how much Knox loved his green paci. It is called a soothie and for him it was definitely that!!! I went back through my pictures and put together a paci parade. I realized that he had it a lot when he was itty bitty then we kind of backed off and he had it mostly while sleeping and then later he just well had it all the time!!!! I never really thought about it until I started looking at pictures. So here is the paci parade.

Just Because

December 19, 2007
10:39 PM

I upgraded to premium

December 19, 2007
11:42 AM

so no one should have to look at the bereavement, monument, and grief counseling ads any more.  :)

Change of Perspective

December 18, 2007
11:25 PM

I like to think that before Knox's accident I wasn't one to complain or dramatize things, but I am sure I did my fair share. Not really sure where the satisfaction in complaining comes from, but apparently it must be there somewhere. You know those days you have where nothing seems to go right and life just seems insanely crazy; you think you are going to go bonkers because the ceiling is leaking, someone spilled orange juice all over the floor leaving a sticky mess, noone is getting along, and then to top it off someone throws up missing the toilet of course! Naturally those days make us want to just check out of life and go crawl in bed and pretend all is well. Now when those days happen, my perspective is different. I can't complain or rant and rave. I don't feel like I need to tell anyone how horrible my day is; I don't think I need to move to Australia. Why? Because none of those things are that bad. It is life. Normal, everyday life. Normal, everday life to be thankful for. If I find myself starting to fall in that trap to complain(like today ;) ) then I just give myself a kick in the rear and seriously, it doesn't take much to remember what a truly bad day is like. I used to say when life was routine and nothing seemed to be going on that I liked it that way. Routine and unchanging can be good, and I am including when routine and unchanging involves days like the one I mentioned above. I've never understood why people seem to like to brag about what a crazy day they have had or how often they are sick or how little sleep they get because again why do we seem to get satisfaction in claiming the award for the craziest day or the poorest health or just thinking everything is a crisis. There are days I feel like I won a contest I never entered so if you hear me heading down the complaining or dramatizing road just tell me to turn around and then kick me in the rear. I promise I will thank you.

Some things I learned this week

December 13, 2007
11:55 PM

that I am sure I will forget a 1000 times before I hopefully remember for good. One of the things I have struggled with is how cruel I thought Knox’s accident and death seemed. A child’s death always seems cruel I know, but I have always thought drowning would be a terrible way to die and partly for selfish reasons like why I get to blame myself for not protecting him as well as the unmerited blame others put on themselves. As I have said before, I believe that God gives and takes away life and that He, himself, numbered Knox’s days. Believing that, I have thought about ways he might have died. A silly exercise I know ,of no benefit, and of course I have never come up with a good way. Yet, I think I have thought it would be easier if he were to have been sick. We could have prepared ourselves and dealt with the inevitable and again selfishly, it wouldn’t have been our fault.

I realized this week though from Asa being in the hospital and being in pain and the harsh reality of parents watching their child in pain and from Sue, my former neighbor, dying of cancer that I wouldn’t have wanted him to suffer in life. How terrible it would have been if his life had been full of pain and discomfort. It would have been torturous if we had to experience that with him. While drowning seems terrible, and there is no good way to die, I am grateful that he lived a joyful life that was happy and free from pain and suffering and that we got to love him and enjoy him as a healthy fun-loving boy. And lastly, my friend who has had a near-death experience told me that for her dying seemed a calm and peaceful experience and that she believes that God can make dying an easy experience. God was with Knox and God could protect him from fear and suffering. That gives me comfort.

So on this Dec. 13th, 8 months into this I am trying to be thankful for the things Knox was given as well as us. Thankful that he had a wonderful life that brought us lots of joy. I trust he is smiling even more in heaven.

Indelible Grace

December 11, 2007
11:29 AM

Indelible Grace is a collection of CD's that our family has loved over the years. The songs are hymns that have been reworked with a more contemporary melody without distracting from the meaning of the words. I have many great memories of Jon playing his guitar and a 5 yr old Anne Michal belting out songs Like The Sands of Times Are Sinking. They have meant a lot to us and have ministered to us greatly. Last April 13th, early in the evening, Hannah and Marian were admiring a black and white photo of all the kids I had taken that was on the mantle. I was telling them how I wanted to move it over the piano and have a couple of songs done in calligraphy to hang on either side. One was Whate'er my God Ordains is Right which was a favorite from one of the Indelible Grace albums as I felt I had learned a lot about God's soveriegnty over the last years and was comforted by it. Not only that, but I wanted our family to live knowing that God orders our lives and we can trust that what He does is good. The other was Beneath the Blood-stained Lintel as a reminder of God's promises to us and our children. Little did I know that an hour later, my son would be fighting for his life and 14 days later we would be singing those songs at his funeral.

While he was in the hospital, we kept a CD player on his bed above his head and played a number of CDs most of which were the Indelible Grace CDs as hymns based on scripture are such a comfort and encouragement. They soothed our souls, calmed our nerves, and kept our sights on things above.

Last week, we received a copy of Indelible Grace V Wake Thy Slumbering Children in the mail from the Indelible Grace folks. Thanks to the common bond of prayer they had been praying for our family and wanted to send us a copy of this work. Here is the description of the project:

It is a joy to introduce you to this latest collection of hymns with new tunes. These hymns help us express our heart cries in words richer than our own, and open our eyes to see the beauty of a Savior who has promised the blessings we need most. What joy to know that as we cry “Wake Thy slumbering children!” we cry to the Father for His “promised blessing” to revive His church. What comfort to know that even when our hearts are bereaved and lonely, we can be reminded and encouraged: “O watch and wait with patience, and question all you will; His arms of love and mercy are ‘round about thee still.” What power to know that as we cry, “Come, Lord, and wipe away the curse, the sin, the stain, and make this blighted world of ours Thine own fair world again” we actually cry out to the One who died to make this dream a reality. What glory to know that, even in our dying hour, we can plead “abide with me” to the One who has promised to never leave or forsake us. We commend these hymns because we believe they have power to wake us to the reality of our great need for Jesus and open our eyes to see we have a great Jesus for our need.

Here is the first verse of the first song, Cling to the Crucified:

Cling to the Mighty One, Cling in thy grief

Cling to the Holy One, He gives relief

Cling to the Gracious One, Cling in thy pain

Cling to the Faithful One, He will sustain

Anne Michal sat on the couch with the lyrics and cried through the CD...ok...so did I but I saw her and she didn't see me so it doesn't count. ;-) Very mournful and comforting at the same time. Thank you, Wendy, for sending it to us and for all the others who have prayed for us.

Check out their CD's from the links above!!

I missed one

December 9, 2007
7:48 PM

I couldn't find this one when I was looking for Christmas card photos:

A letter from John Calvin to a grieving father

December 9, 2007
7:37 PM

I stumbled across this today...

The son whom the Lord had lent you for a season, he has taken away. There is no ground, therefore, for those silly and wicked complaints of foolish men: O blind death! O horrid fate! O implacable daughters of destiny! O cruel fortune! The Lord who had lodged him here for a season, at this stage of his career has called him away. What the Lord has done, we must, at the same time, consider has not been done rashly, nor by chance, neither from having been impelled from without; but by that determinate counsel, whereby he not only foresees, decrees, and executes nothing but what is just and upright in itself, but also nothing but what is good and wholesome for us...

In what regards your son, if you bethink how difficult it is, in this most deplorable of ages, to maintain an upright course through life, you will judge him to be blessed, who, before encountering so many coming dangers which were already hovering over him, and to be encountered in his day and generation, was so early delivered from them all. He is like one who has set sail upon a stormy and tempestuous sea, and before he has been carried out into the deeps, gets in safety to the secure haven...

But what advantage, you will say, is it to me to have had a son of so much promise, since he has been torn away from me in the first flower of his youth? As if, forsooth, Christ had not merited, by his death, the supreme dominion over the living and the dead!...However brief, therefore, either in your opinion or in mine, the life of your son may have been, it ought to satisfy us that he has finished the course which the Lord had marked out for him. Moreover, we may not reckon him to have perished in the flower of his age, who had grown ripe in the sight of the Lord...Nor can you consider to have lost him, whom you will recover in the blessed resurrection in the kingdom of God...

Neither do I insist upon your laying aside all grief. Nor, in the school of Christ, do we learn any such philosophy as requires us to put off that common humanity with which God has endowed us...set bonds, temper even your most reasonable sadness; that having shed those tears which were due to nature and to fatherly affection, you by no means give way to senseless wailing...May Christ the Lord keep you and your family, and direct you all with his own Spirit, until you may arrive where Louis and Claude have gone before.[2]

More Christmas photos

December 8, 2007
11:24 AM

Christmas Card Outtakes

December 7, 2007
3:22 PM

Christmas 2005--Knox's first Christmas. Some of you know how hard it is to get 5 kids especially young ones to cooperate in order to get a GOOD photo. I spent 3 different days trying to get a photo for our Christmas card. The first day they had their best Coordinated Christmasy clothes on then their second best and then I just hoped for everyone to just look decent and not clash! ;) Here are some outtakes.

Last year was a tad easier but here are some outtakes from that day.

Stirring the Pot

December 3, 2007
11:43 PM

Here is a small portion of an email I got from someone today that lost an adult child in a tragic way several years ago...

"The hardest thing was feeling like we "shoulda " done this and that. but God has seen us through this. not by giving us some kind of answer to why or wherefore but Being our Answer. I couldn't believe it when A... told me that i would someday quit "stirring the pot" and maybe i could even not take the pot off the shelf."

I thought...hmmm..."stirring the pot"... what a great way to put it. I have been especially stirring that pot fast and furious for the last couple of weeks which does nothing but make me a tad insane, but I can't seem to make my arm quit stirring the pot. Between that and the flashbacks for lack of a better word, it has been a bit rough. But I guess there is hope that someday I'll quit stirring the pot.

Knox's Christmas Tree

December 3, 2007
11:24 PM

We took a little Christmas tree to the cemetary today. Hopefully it will stay upright for a while. Knox's stone was recently set and you can see that as well. We had a Celtic cross put on his stone as a symbol of his reformed heritage evident in his name and hopefully in our family. I'd like to thank those of you to that have left flowers, cards, and toys at his site. They have not gone unnoticed.

We also bought this little giraffe ornament for our tree in memory of Knox.