8:49 AM
Matthew Knox Anderson
October 27, 2005- April 23, 2007
Wonder how you get through a day like that? It is actually quite simple though not easy. You breathe in. You breathe out. The sun rises. The sunsets. And you know that God's mercies are new everymorning.
I know it probably seems weird to be writing this now over a week later, but I had to put some distance from the day as it truly was one of the most difficult of my life. I was feeling pretty sorry for us which I think is rather reasonable. It is getting to the point where soon it is going to be difficult to imagine what he would be like if he had lived. I know what he was like at 18 months; I don't know what he would have been like at 2. I don't know what the terrible(or terrific ;) ) two's would have been like as we hadn't gotten there yet. But still, it was hard not to think about how he should be here on that day just like any other day. He should have gone to the soccer field with us to watch Anne Michal play. I should have been running after him and pulling him off the field as usual. We should have had a little party with friends to watch him open presents and share cake and ice cream. He should have been clapping his hands, giggling, and trying to sing Happy Birthday. Kind of hard not to think about what should have been while agonizing over what it.
Jon and I didn't know what to do that day so we let the kids decide. They wanted to go to the park and make a cake. I didn't really want to, but like my friend told me...you do it like you do everything else...purposefully. Like I said above...breathe in....breathe out....you get the picture. I really didn't see that we had anything to celebrate. At some point in the morning, I checked the people's blogs I read to find several birthday messages. On Matt's blog,(you'll have to scroll down since it has been a while) he said something about today we celebrate the second anniversay of Knox's birth. That gave me a new way to look at it. I still didn't want to celebrate, but it helped because his birth is worth a celebration as we still thank God every day for giving him to us. So thanks Matt for that bit of perspective.
That is really the main thing I wanted to say...that took me 3 paragraphs...heehee. In order to finish out the day, we did go to the park where of course someone was having a birthday party. At least he was 7 and not 2!! The kids played on the playground and I played soccer with them some. Hannah and Marian came over with the quilt and books and a cake(which got me off the hook for making one :) ...thank you!!!)as I have already written about. That was one of those good/hard things. We loved it all, but we wished we weren't in the situation to have that done. Then we went to sonic and got some lunch to take to the soccer field like we had eaten on the day he was born...regretted it as usual and like that day. :) We watched Anne Michal play soccer. I am sure people wondered what in the world was wrong with me....Anyway, after that it was home for the rest of the day. I had a terrible headache and spent the rest of the day laying down, breathing in and breathing out and waiting for the sun to set. And guess what? It did. Just like it does everyday.
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