5:35 PM
I'll never tire of this picture...
Giving Knox a hug...
February 27, 2008
10:05 PM
This is probably just one of those things just in my head, but one of the things I want to always remember....I have a locket that I always wear that has a color laser-engraved picture of Knox (similar to the one you see on the upper left of my blog) and the saying "Always a Joy." Particularly when we are in church, Jack will sit on my lap and open the locket and smile. He whispers, "Knoxie ...always a joy." Then he leaves the locket open and lays his head on my chest. It makes me think he is giving Knox a hug.
10:05 PM
This is probably just one of those things just in my head, but one of the things I want to always remember....I have a locket that I always wear that has a color laser-engraved picture of Knox (similar to the one you see on the upper left of my blog) and the saying "Always a Joy." Particularly when we are in church, Jack will sit on my lap and open the locket and smile. He whispers, "Knoxie ...always a joy." Then he leaves the locket open and lays his head on my chest. It makes me think he is giving Knox a hug.
Words that can't be defined
February 26, 2008
1:30 AM
I was listening to some talks that Nancy Guthrie gave at a woman's retreat at Lagniappe Presbyterian Church this past weekend. I have several of her books, and it is rather soothing to read her books and listen to her and think, "I have said that same thing" or "That is exactly how I feel." One of the things she talked about was how people don't know what to do with "sad" and how to deal with people who are just sad. When she said that, I thought, "Other people, I don't know what to do with my own sadness." I never knew what sad was before. I don't know how many times I have said either aloud or in my head, "I am just so sad...so terribly sad." Yet, it isn't a word I can define. I don't think anyone can. You simply feel it. It has a presence to it. She talks about groaning. I know I have mentioned before recognizing the groans of my children because I have heard the same sound come from myself. It is unique. It can't be defined. It just happens and wells up out of your soul. Anguish: another feeling that cannot be defined along with grief. It has to be experienced to be understood and even then it cannot be adequately defined. I think that is one reason why I find listening to her soothing because she doesn't have to define those words to me and I know she doesn't need them defined to understand.
1:30 AM
I was listening to some talks that Nancy Guthrie gave at a woman's retreat at Lagniappe Presbyterian Church this past weekend. I have several of her books, and it is rather soothing to read her books and listen to her and think, "I have said that same thing" or "That is exactly how I feel." One of the things she talked about was how people don't know what to do with "sad" and how to deal with people who are just sad. When she said that, I thought, "Other people, I don't know what to do with my own sadness." I never knew what sad was before. I don't know how many times I have said either aloud or in my head, "I am just so sad...so terribly sad." Yet, it isn't a word I can define. I don't think anyone can. You simply feel it. It has a presence to it. She talks about groaning. I know I have mentioned before recognizing the groans of my children because I have heard the same sound come from myself. It is unique. It can't be defined. It just happens and wells up out of your soul. Anguish: another feeling that cannot be defined along with grief. It has to be experienced to be understood and even then it cannot be adequately defined. I think that is one reason why I find listening to her soothing because she doesn't have to define those words to me and I know she doesn't need them defined to understand.
This seemed fitting
February 21, 2008
12:44 AM
Currently Reading
A Walk with Jane Austen: A Journey into Adventure, Love, and Faith
By Lori Smith
from part of Jane Austen's epitaph:
"Their grief is in proportion to their affection
they know their loss to be irreparable...."
12:44 AM
Currently Reading
A Walk with Jane Austen: A Journey into Adventure, Love, and Faith
By Lori Smith
from part of Jane Austen's epitaph:
"Their grief is in proportion to their affection
they know their loss to be irreparable...."
Remember the Alamo
February 17, 2008
1:51 AM
Funny little picture, but it seemed like a funny thing to say. We weren't quite at the Alamo in the picture but down the street. Knox may not have seen the ocean or played in the snow, but he did get to see the Alamo which had been on Anne Michal's top ten list of things to do for a while!! I am pretty sure he loved it and learned a lot!
1:51 AM
Funny little picture, but it seemed like a funny thing to say. We weren't quite at the Alamo in the picture but down the street. Knox may not have seen the ocean or played in the snow, but he did get to see the Alamo which had been on Anne Michal's top ten list of things to do for a while!! I am pretty sure he loved it and learned a lot!
Thankful Thursday
February 14, 2008
1:09 PM
I know I have mentioned before Jack praying, "Thank you for letting us love Knox." Every night we pray together when he goes to bed. Sometimes he prays, sometimes I pray, sometimes we both pray, but usually it is just me because he says he is too tired!! Anyway, he always wants me to pray about Knoxie. I cannot leave this out nor any other part of his evening prayer. But we always pray one of the following..
Thank you for Knox and that he loves us and we love him.
Thank you for letting Knox be our brother and son.
Thank you that Knox is in heaven with you.
1:09 PM
I know I have mentioned before Jack praying, "Thank you for letting us love Knox." Every night we pray together when he goes to bed. Sometimes he prays, sometimes I pray, sometimes we both pray, but usually it is just me because he says he is too tired!! Anyway, he always wants me to pray about Knoxie. I cannot leave this out nor any other part of his evening prayer. But we always pray one of the following..
Thank you for Knox and that he loves us and we love him.
Thank you for letting Knox be our brother and son.
Thank you that Knox is in heaven with you.
MISTAKES
February 7, 2008
11:03 AM
For anyone knowing the kind of stuff I mean....I should never post late at night and I should always edit but I post a lot late at night and I never edit. You think a person would learn. It would save my husband a lot of trouble so he wouldn't have to call from work and say things like....you might want to change girl to a boy....
11:03 AM
For anyone knowing the kind of stuff I mean....I should never post late at night and I should always edit but I post a lot late at night and I never edit. You think a person would learn. It would save my husband a lot of trouble so he wouldn't have to call from work and say things like....you might want to change girl to a boy....
Bittersweet
February 7, 2008
12:10 AM
I remember going to the sonogram for Knox. As usual we took all the kids with us; it helps them to connect to the baby to see it on the screen, and what better family event than to get a sneak preview of the newest member. I used to think that you shouldn't want one sex over the other. I mean what we all want most of all is a healthy baby, right? And I admit to be nervous about the health and well-being. In my warped mind, I wonder how many healthy children can one couple have? Shouldn't we just quit while we are ahead? Why gamble? blah...blah....blah....
So anyway, back to wanting one sex over the other. I really, really wanted Knox to be a boy. I KNOW I would have been happy with a girl...who wouldn't? I had 3 and they were/are great, but I wanted Jack to have a brother. He had 3 sisters. I wanted him to have the experience of growing up with a brother, a best friend. BUT, I really thought I was having a girl. It seemed like my pregnancies with the girls. I think I just thought I had girls and Jack was kind of a fluke...heehee...anyway, when they said it was a boy I was shocked. REALLY???? The girls were thrilled. They wanted another brother too. They were pulling for moving toward an even count. Jack, well, I he was too young to really care. I remember just being on cloud nine. I told my friend Becky, "Can it get better than this? 3 girls and 2 boys!" It isn't like I ever imagined having 5 kids in the first place. I just felt so blessed and kind of in awe of the whole thing. Funny, how at least for me, no matter how many kids it just doesn't ever seem real, but you feel the movement within and see that picture on the screen; attach an identity with a sex and a name and reality starts to really sink in.
Knox was wanted and loved and cherished. A wonderful son and brother. A gift from above. Always a joy. He does not get left behind. He was little brother in life and now gains the title of big brother to a brother to come. One of six and an even count....Anne Michal, Elizabeth, Emma, Jack, Knox, and Christian.
12:10 AM
I remember going to the sonogram for Knox. As usual we took all the kids with us; it helps them to connect to the baby to see it on the screen, and what better family event than to get a sneak preview of the newest member. I used to think that you shouldn't want one sex over the other. I mean what we all want most of all is a healthy baby, right? And I admit to be nervous about the health and well-being. In my warped mind, I wonder how many healthy children can one couple have? Shouldn't we just quit while we are ahead? Why gamble? blah...blah....blah....
So anyway, back to wanting one sex over the other. I really, really wanted Knox to be a boy. I KNOW I would have been happy with a girl...who wouldn't? I had 3 and they were/are great, but I wanted Jack to have a brother. He had 3 sisters. I wanted him to have the experience of growing up with a brother, a best friend. BUT, I really thought I was having a girl. It seemed like my pregnancies with the girls. I think I just thought I had girls and Jack was kind of a fluke...heehee...anyway, when they said it was a boy I was shocked. REALLY???? The girls were thrilled. They wanted another brother too. They were pulling for moving toward an even count. Jack, well, I he was too young to really care. I remember just being on cloud nine. I told my friend Becky, "Can it get better than this? 3 girls and 2 boys!" It isn't like I ever imagined having 5 kids in the first place. I just felt so blessed and kind of in awe of the whole thing. Funny, how at least for me, no matter how many kids it just doesn't ever seem real, but you feel the movement within and see that picture on the screen; attach an identity with a sex and a name and reality starts to really sink in.
Knox was wanted and loved and cherished. A wonderful son and brother. A gift from above. Always a joy. He does not get left behind. He was little brother in life and now gains the title of big brother to a brother to come. One of six and an even count....Anne Michal, Elizabeth, Emma, Jack, Knox, and Christian.
from Christmas tree....
February 5, 2008
10:24 PM
to Valentine's tree....
and we can plant one shrub or tree. So if any of you Texans know what would be a good choice I am open to suggestions and instructions. Preferably, I'd like something colorful or that is long-flowering.
10:24 PM
to Valentine's tree....
and we can plant one shrub or tree. So if any of you Texans know what would be a good choice I am open to suggestions and instructions. Preferably, I'd like something colorful or that is long-flowering.
In case
February 5, 2008
9:45 PM
you don't read my other blog....Anne Michal, Elizabeth, Emma, Jack and Knox are going to have a new brother....Christian Kirke.
9:45 PM
you don't read my other blog....Anne Michal, Elizabeth, Emma, Jack and Knox are going to have a new brother....Christian Kirke.
Dream about Knox
February 3, 2008
10:45 AM
I had a dream about Knox last night. This isn't something that happens very often as I rarely remember what I dream, but this was after I had been awake and gone back to sleep. I am not going to relate the whole dream because as dreams often do most of it didn't make sense, but in the dream it was early in the morning and he was still asleep. I went and checked on him and he was sleeping. Anyway, I went to another room and in a few minutes I looked up and there he was standing there with some serious bed head on the right side of his head. He looked at me with a squirmy grin and I held out my arms and said "Come see me." Then he did his thing where he grins at me, puts his arm behind his back and turns his body back and forth. Then someone walked in the room and woke me up. It was really sweet and I realized as I laid there thinking about it that he was bigger, older. He looked like a two year old; he got up out of bed and walked in the room like he would now as he would be in a big boy bed. It was sweet.
10:45 AM
I had a dream about Knox last night. This isn't something that happens very often as I rarely remember what I dream, but this was after I had been awake and gone back to sleep. I am not going to relate the whole dream because as dreams often do most of it didn't make sense, but in the dream it was early in the morning and he was still asleep. I went and checked on him and he was sleeping. Anyway, I went to another room and in a few minutes I looked up and there he was standing there with some serious bed head on the right side of his head. He looked at me with a squirmy grin and I held out my arms and said "Come see me." Then he did his thing where he grins at me, puts his arm behind his back and turns his body back and forth. Then someone walked in the room and woke me up. It was really sweet and I realized as I laid there thinking about it that he was bigger, older. He looked like a two year old; he got up out of bed and walked in the room like he would now as he would be in a big boy bed. It was sweet.
Another Read
January 27, 2008
10:29 PM
Currently Reading
Scottish Seas
By Douglas Jones
It has been a difficult week with just a lot of grief pouring out of the kids and us with a lot of sleeplessness. I couldn't sleep last night honestly because I was struggling with images of the scene of the accident and having trouble not being haunted with thoughts of his suffering so I got up and pulled a book off the shelf I hadn't read: Scottish Seas by Douglas Jones. I am not going to give a long synopsis of the book, but focus on the particularly relevant details. There was a young boy in the book that lived by the sea. He was terrified of the sea-side cliffs because he was terrified of the sea. He was afraid the sea would reach out and grab him off the cliffs and wash him away. He found himself in a dangerous situation that required him to climb the cliffs in the middle of a storm with the angry sea crashing around him. Just as he thought he was about to be carried away into the sea, he felt a strong hand gripping his arm. His father had found him and was pulling him to safety. Reading that, I had this image of Knox being grabbed to safety by his heavenly Father; but it was the safety of heaven. It was a comforting image that gave me reassurance once again that God was with him and God could limit his suffering, that he is with God so his suffering is insignificant to him, and that God is still with us guarding over our suffering.
10:29 PM
Currently Reading
Scottish Seas
By Douglas Jones
It has been a difficult week with just a lot of grief pouring out of the kids and us with a lot of sleeplessness. I couldn't sleep last night honestly because I was struggling with images of the scene of the accident and having trouble not being haunted with thoughts of his suffering so I got up and pulled a book off the shelf I hadn't read: Scottish Seas by Douglas Jones. I am not going to give a long synopsis of the book, but focus on the particularly relevant details. There was a young boy in the book that lived by the sea. He was terrified of the sea-side cliffs because he was terrified of the sea. He was afraid the sea would reach out and grab him off the cliffs and wash him away. He found himself in a dangerous situation that required him to climb the cliffs in the middle of a storm with the angry sea crashing around him. Just as he thought he was about to be carried away into the sea, he felt a strong hand gripping his arm. His father had found him and was pulling him to safety. Reading that, I had this image of Knox being grabbed to safety by his heavenly Father; but it was the safety of heaven. It was a comforting image that gave me reassurance once again that God was with him and God could limit his suffering, that he is with God so his suffering is insignificant to him, and that God is still with us guarding over our suffering.
Hugs
January 23, 2008
6:16 PM
I know all moms think their kids are the cutest, the sweetest, the brightest....but it is impossible for me to describe the kind of kid Knox was and how we all felt about him. From the beginning, he always felt like a part of our family as though we had always had him. He was so easy going and very pleasant. He was always so loveable and huggable. Everyone of us adored him. He never lacked any attention or any one to play with. I was constantly calling Elizabeth back to her school work. These were her excuses: but Knox needed me, he wanted me to play with him, he wanted me to read him this book, I had to get him a toy. Jack and he played for hours with cars and trains. Anne Michal loved to play outside with him and was always ready to help feed him breakfast or whatever he needed. Emmas had become addicted to having him sit on her lap and wanted to be close to him. He was getting to the age of becoming more of a Daddy's boy, running to the door when Jon came home to give him a big hug.
He was always a pick-me-up; he made everyone happy. Having a rough day? Knox would quickly put a smile on your face. As Anne Michal has said, he gave the best hugs and was not stingy with them at all. She was crying the other night because she wanted a hug from him and couldn't have one.That is a terrible, empty feeling. I still feel myself picking him up and holding him all the time. I never got tired of it(ok...realistically I probably did, but not really); I loved holding him and carrying him around. The kids never tired of playing with him and always wanted him included in whatever they were doing. They didn't see him as the pesky little brother or in the way because of the things they couldn't do because of his naps or schedule.
It is hard to not have him any more. We miss him. We are sad that Molly/Christian will never get a Knox hug. We'll have to make up for the lack of them. He was a dear, dear boy; and there could never be another little boy quite like him.
6:16 PM
I know all moms think their kids are the cutest, the sweetest, the brightest....but it is impossible for me to describe the kind of kid Knox was and how we all felt about him. From the beginning, he always felt like a part of our family as though we had always had him. He was so easy going and very pleasant. He was always so loveable and huggable. Everyone of us adored him. He never lacked any attention or any one to play with. I was constantly calling Elizabeth back to her school work. These were her excuses: but Knox needed me, he wanted me to play with him, he wanted me to read him this book, I had to get him a toy. Jack and he played for hours with cars and trains. Anne Michal loved to play outside with him and was always ready to help feed him breakfast or whatever he needed. Emmas had become addicted to having him sit on her lap and wanted to be close to him. He was getting to the age of becoming more of a Daddy's boy, running to the door when Jon came home to give him a big hug.
He was always a pick-me-up; he made everyone happy. Having a rough day? Knox would quickly put a smile on your face. As Anne Michal has said, he gave the best hugs and was not stingy with them at all. She was crying the other night because she wanted a hug from him and couldn't have one.That is a terrible, empty feeling. I still feel myself picking him up and holding him all the time. I never got tired of it(ok...realistically I probably did, but not really); I loved holding him and carrying him around. The kids never tired of playing with him and always wanted him included in whatever they were doing. They didn't see him as the pesky little brother or in the way because of the things they couldn't do because of his naps or schedule.
It is hard to not have him any more. We miss him. We are sad that Molly/Christian will never get a Knox hug. We'll have to make up for the lack of them. He was a dear, dear boy; and there could never be another little boy quite like him.
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